Clipped Wings
by willa76
Summary: A different telling of the Young Riders. Follow Lou as she fights for her life and her freedom. Adult situations so rated M
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**So this is another idea I had. My other story will come first, but I already have a couple of chapters written for this one. Tell me what you think? Not beta'd, sorry for mistakes.**

Lou

My name is Louise McCloud. I have just gone into my nineteenth year, but I feel like I have already lived my nineteen years twice over.

My mother died when I was ten. She made me promise to not let Teresa and Jeremiah know about our father. He wasn't a good man by any standards, and she died protecting us. She had changed our last name, and we moved a lot. I promised her I would keep the secret, I never knew why she was so scared of him, until later in life, but her fear of him was enough for me to respect her wishes.

She died leaving me alone with my brother and sister, at the age of ten, and with my father a notorious gun runner, gone, we were shipped to an orphanage.

Luckily for Jeremiah and Teresa, they weren't in the place for long, and although I saw things differently back then, I now know that it was the best thing to have had happened.

Of course no one wanted a ten going on eleven year old girl, I was past the cute stage, and not hardy enough to be a boy. The ones that did want me wanted me for housekeeping or worse.

And maybe that would have been a better place than where I have ended up now. But I would have never experienced family, friends and love on the way.

Unfortunately when I was thirteen, my father, Boggs, decided it was the right time for him to claim his children back, but much to his dismay when he arrived at the orphanage, it was only I that stood before him.

The Nunn's weren't sure if they were doing the right thing, when they handed me over to the man who claimed to be my father, but they did so anyway.

The Nunn's swore to Boggs that my brother and sister had been killed, along with the family that adopted them. It was the first time I had ever heard that, and to this day I don't know if it is true, but I like to think that they saw it fit to lie just this once, as they saw the devil dancing on Boggs's shoulder like I did.

I was taken to his compound and was soon given my rules and chores. The place was like a prison and I hated everyday that I spent there. But I took the opportunity that was given to me and I learnt.

I learnt to ride and shoot just as good, if not better than any of my father's men. Of course when I was caught learning, instead doing my chores, I was chained up like the other men, and I was whipped.

It was my Father's way of discipline, but just like the men, that I had seen go through the same thing, I bit my lip and I breathed through every strike.

I would not scream for the man who called himself my father.

When I turned sixteen I had a plan to leave. I was leaving this hell hole. I had a gun, I didn't have a horse and I had no money but I did not care. I knew that if I stayed here I would die. I wanted to die on my own terms, not by my fathers.

I snuck out in the dead of the night and I ran. I ran like I hadn't run before.

I felt as free as the eagle, as tears fell from my eyes.

All the pent up pain I had endured these past years I spent with my father, I let it all out and I let it all go. I vowed to not think of him from here on out. No longer will these eyes shed another tear because of him.

I hoped that I could make it to a town, before my Fathers men noticed I was gone, and came looking for me.

And I did.

Three days and two nights later I made it to the town of Syracuse. I was hungry, tired and cold. But I would not ask these town folks for anything. I would never be able to live with myself if anything happened to another soul, because my father wanted questions. If no one saw me, or knew me it would be safer in the long run.

So I hid in the shadows until it was dark. A ranch that I was keeping my eyes on soon had its lamps turned down. It was pitch black out, so I tiptoed my way to their barn. On the way I passed the vegetable garden. I pulled a couple of carrots and picked a few peapods. I made my way inside the barn and snuggled deep inside the hay.

The rooster woke me at dawn, and I wasted no time to start moving again.

I did some things I aint' proud of, even to this day, while I was on the run, but I did what I needed to, to survive. I needed a horse and I needed food, so I did what I had to, to make the money.

Five months later, Sweetwater was where I found myself. My long hair now cut short, my clothes, just like any other man. My eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses, I did not need, and under a hat with a wide brim. My breasts bandaged up so my chest looked flat.

I stood in front of the postmaster house, Lou McCloud, and from that day on my secret remained intact until a year later.

When my secret was discovered the friendships, the family and the love went with it. I was now alone, in an environment that I still did not understand. My father was ruthless, but these people were savages. I was treated like a dog, nothing more and nothing less.

I once was free like the Eagle, but my wings have been clipped, and I can no longer fly.

I was once Lou McCloud pony express rider, the quiet one out of the group, the little one of the group. The boys thought I was one of them, and I loved being one of them. They knew me as no different and I gave them no cause to question it. I could ride Just as well if not better than any of them. I could shoot just as good, and possibly straighter than them.

Until that day, the day where my cover was blown and I was taken.

Buck and I were on a special delivery run. Teaspoon wanted two guns on this one, and Buck and I drew the short straws. Our ride to Willow Springs went without hitch, and even the start of our trip home was great. It was times when I would spend time, with any of the boys alone, that I found the hardest for me not to blurt out my secret.

Buck was a half blood, part Kiowa, to any other eye that saw him.

But to me he was my friend, my brother, one I would die for.

The Indians were continuously fighting among themselves, and anyone else that crossed their paths. Unfortunately for me and Buck, that is exactly what we were doing that day.

"Ride fast Lou, we are in a whole heap of trouble," Buck called out. Now it wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. I had never heard that kind of fear in Bucks voice for the year I have known him.

I looked behind me to see we were being chased by Indians, and obviously not the good kind otherwise Buck wouldn't be running.

All the running we were doing didn't pay off, as we had another few Indians come for us from the side. They closed in on us, and we were forced to come to a halt.

They were talking so fast, that I couldn't make anything out of what they were saying. Some words English and some in their native tongue. I picked up on the word 'half blood,' and 'Kiowa,' but that was it.

One of the Indians spat on Buck, and I wanted to cry. He did not deserve that. They kept tormenting him, and I screamed for them to stop. But no one listened.

Buck was pulled off of his horse, before I was pulled off of mine. I struggled in the arms of the one who held me, praying he wouldn't find out I was a girl.

I watched in horror as an arrow went through Buck's leg, and a man stood over him with his hair in one hand, and a knife in the other. Oh god they were going to scalp him.

"NO,NO, please he's my brother," I cried hoping that they wouldn't kill him.

But I watched as the knife went to Bucks forehead,

"NO, NO please Kill me, don't kill him, please kill me," I begged. The one who held me, loosened his hold, I think in shock of my outburst.

I ran to Buck and crouched over him, "Lou what are you doing?" Buck asked wincing in pain.

"Please don't kill him," I cried, hating seeing Buck in such pain.

"You woman?" How did they know that? I didn't have time to think about it. If it would help Buck's situation then I would tell my secret.

"Yes I'm a woman, please don't kill him," I begged.

"Lou?" Buck questioned, but I didn't have time to answer him. I hated that he was finding out this way.

"Stand," The Indian told me. I stood but stayed standing over Buck. If they wanted him they would have to go through me first.

"Show,"

"What?" I asked confused.

"Show women," Oh.

I didn't think twice as I unbuttoned my shirt, to show these men my bindings. I unravelled the bandages, dropping them to the ground, to expose my breasts.

I quickly pulled my shirt closed when one of the men's hands reached out to touch me.

"Don't you touch her," Buck yelled in agony. The Indian that went to grab me, started kicking at Buck.

"Please don't hurt him," I asked again.

"Husband?" They questioned,

"No brother," I told him honestly,

"You protect a half blood?"

"He's not that to me. He's just my brother. Please he is hurt, please let him go."

They started to talk among themselves. I wanted to talk to Buck, butwas scared that if I turned my back that they would try something.

"No husband?" they clarified. I shook my head no.

"You come with us, your brother lives,"

"Yes," I didn't need to think about it. I would die for any of one of the boys.

"Lou, no," Buck cried in pain behind me.

I turned to see he was losing a lot of blood.

"I'm sorry I lied to you all, but please know I had my reasons."

"Lou if you go with them do you know what will happen to you? I promise you will want to die."

"Then I will. Don't worry about me. Go and take care of the boys and Emma. Tell them I love them, and I thought of them as family. I would make the same decision for all of you."

I was grabbed from behind, and placed a top of a horse with a rider behind me.

"Lou, no," Buck cried out again.

"Bye," was all I said when the horse I was on galloped away from Buck.

I prayed that he would be alright. That he would make it back to Sweetwater and to a doctor.

What I didn't know, is that I would see him three years later.

**Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**Thanks for your reviews. So here is the second chapter...**

Jimmy _{cos' he fuck hot, and will always be my leading man,}_

"Rider coming," Emma called out.

We all turned expecting to see Buck and Lou riding in together. But all we could see was Buck's horse and a figure draped over the top.

"Looks like trouble," Teaspoon said as we all rushed to Buck's aid, wondering and dreading where the hell Lou was.

"Buck, oh god he's hurt," Kid said as he rushed to help Buck off of the horse.

"I'll go get the Doc," Cody said as he quickly mounted the horse that Buck had just arrived in on.

"What happened to you Son?" Teaspoon asked, but I doubted that Buck could answer.

"Indians," he whispered.

"Lou?" I questioned already knowing that we had probably lost him.

"A woman," Buck muttered,

"He's with a woman?" Kid questioned. All of us confused about what was going on.

Buck was shaking his head no,

"No Lou is a woman,"

What? That doesnt make sense.

"I think we need to get him up to the house." Teaspoon suggested.

Emma had already fixed the bed up for Buck. Kid and I laid him on top, being careful not to cause him any more pain.

* * *

><p>It was three days later until Buck opened his eyes. We all gathered round, wanting to know what had happened, and where was Lou.<p>

"She saved me,"

"Who?"

"Lou. She has been pretending to be a man this whole time. But when I was about to be scalped she stood in front of me, begging for them to stop, to not kill me...to kill her instead."

"I don't understand any of this," I said.

"Lou told me to tell you all that she was sorry, that she had her reasons to lie. She is a woman. The ones that took her made her prove it. She had bandages binding her chest, so it looked like she had no breasts."

"Oh, that poor child," Emma cried.

"She called me her brother, and all I could do was watch in shock while she condemned herself."

"How the hell did we not see this?"

""I don't think she wanted us to see." Buck stated, wincing as he moved an inch in the bed.

"How do we get her back, I mean we can't leave her out there?"

"I don't think we do," Buck answered honestly.

* * *

><p>That was three years ago. We have all grown in those years but one thing has not changed, our hope that we get Lou back.<p>

Teaspoon became the Marshal of Sweet Water, hoping that he may be able to use his position to find everything and anything of the Cheyenne that took Lou.

Apart from Buck he was taking what happened to Lou the hardest. He once said he thought of us as family, so when he learnt that one of his family members had been taken, it took a piece of him as well.

Buck spends his days off, tracking and speaking with his Kiowa family, wanting to know if they had seen or heard anything. He blames himself for not protecting Lou, and thinks that the reason they attacked in the first place was because they knew he was Kiowa. I think that Lou showed him her courage and strength when she protected him. He won't rest until he finds her, or her grave.

We have no idea if she is dead or alive, but we can imagine what she has been through, and that is enough for us to hurt.

Emma left us two years ago and while a part of me still yearned to be more than a friend to her, Sam is a good man. She is doing well for herself and she deserves all the happiness in the world.

Noah joined us not long after Emma left, like Buck he struggles with discrimination because of the colour of his skin. Being a black man, in a town full of white ones, has taken a while for him to get use to.

And it has taken the town a while to get use to him. Noah carries a huge chip on his shoulder, and although he deserves to, he has trouble reining it in.

Noah has never met Lou, but he knows what she means to us, and what it would mean to us if we found her.

Rachel Dunn, our busty new cook also joined us after Emma left. She has bought some sunshine back into our lives. She is nothing like Emma, though I know she cares for us the same. I think her life experiences have made her the hardened woman she is today.

Kid, Ike and Cody, all just survive. Ike worries for Buck, and often goes with him when he's out tracking. Kid and Cody, while they miss Lou, and still shake their heads at the thought of her as a woman, they have gotten on with life a little quicker than the rest of us.

And me, well I have been busy with all the callers wanting to take 'Wild Bill' out. But it keeps my mind off of Lou. I often sit awake at night wondering why I hadn't seen that she was a girl. I think of all the danger that we put her through over that year, and not thinking twice about it, if we knew she was a girl, I think we would have watched out for her a little more.

* * *

><p>"Rider coming," Teaspoon called out as he made his way over to the bunkhouse.<p>

It was Cody's turn to ride. He came flying out of the bunkhouse, and jumped on his mount.

"Safe ride Cody," I called out,

"Thanks see you in two days," He and his mount flew to catch the mochila.

"Buck, Jimmy Ike and Noah, I want you boys to come with me,"

I corrected my hat, "Where we going?"

"The Arapaho, have a huge mob of mustangs for us."

"Arapaho?" Buck questioned, while Teaspoon nodded, "Maybe I shouldn't go Teaspoon,"

"Son of course you should go. Now mount up." The Arapaho are allies of the Cheyenne, and the Sioux. Buck was positive it was the Cheyenne that attacked him, and took Lou. There is a lot of bad blood between them and Kiowa.

A few hours later we saw the site of the Tipi's, and then the corral of mustangs.

There was one Indian man waiting for us, next to the horses. We halted in front of him, and Teaspoon got off from his horse.

I watched in disgust as Buck was looked up and down by this man that stood in front of us, why he thought he was better than Buck, I had no idea.

"I'm Teaspoon Hunter. I believe you have some horses for us?" Straight to the point, I think teaspoon was having an uneasy feeling like I was.

"Yes," he indicated with his head towards the wild mob next to us. We all looked that way, and I must admit there were some fine looking horses in that mob. They looked fiery as hell, I was dreading trying to break them in.

I could hear yelling coming from inside one of the Tipi's. It was the sound of a woman, and English speaking woman.

It soon got all of our attention, including the Indian that we were with.

"I'm going to get some water," she yelled out in frustration.

"She is much trouble," the Indian horse keeper said, as the girl came out of the Tipi. She looked confused as she looked left and right, before deciding to come our way. She was wearing a white dress, that seemed too big for her, or maybe it was because she was so tiny that nothing would fit her.

Her dark hair was loose and just past her shoulders. I looked to the other women that were walking around to see that this girl was wearing nothing compared to the others. No moccasins covered her feet, they were bare.

One of the horses kicked the side of the corral making the girl to look up.

When our eyes saw her brown ones we realised that it was Lou.

"Lou?" Teaspoon asked carefully. The rest of us got off of our mounts, with Buck pushing forward to get a better look.

The girl we believed to be Lou tried to straighten out her hair and dress as she smiled at us. My god she was beautiful.

"Teaspoon," she cried as she ran up to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. I could hear her cries, and I had to stifle my own.

Buck pulled her away from Teaspoon to get his own look.

"I never thought that I would see you again," he cried into her hair. "We have been looking for you no stop."

"I have worried that you never made it," She cried,

"Get your hands off of her half blood," a deep gruff voice called out as the horse guy ripped Lou from Buck's arms.

Lou quickly dropped her head to look at the ground, as Bucks hands went out to grab her.

The big Indian started talking fast but Lou seemed to understand what she was being told. But when she spat at him, he back handed her to the ground.

"How dare you," Teaspoon howled.

"She is mine, I do as I please. Now pay for your horses and leave." He demanded.

I kept my eye on Lou, I was surprised that she didn't break when she was hit, she looked so fragile.

"Lou are you alright?" Teaspoon asked. I watched in horror as she tried to stand, stumbling as she did so.

"Do not answer the pale face, you go, you go now," The big Indian ordered Teaspoon.

"Not without the girl," I told him.

The Indian laughed as he went over to help Lou get her balance. Once she was steady the bastard hit her again. I pulled my colts free and pointed them at the dead man.

"You wanna' do that to someone your own size?"

Lou I was certain was out cold.

"You are no longer welcome to horses, go,"

"We don't want your horses, we want the girl," Buck told him

"She not for sale."

Lou was moaning as she begun to move in the background, as some more Indian males came to join us. This was turning bad really quick, we were outnumbered and surrounded.

"We only want her, surely there is something you want or need in an exchange." Teaspoon asked.

The big one went to answer but he was cut off by another. He quickly muttered something in his ear,

"Her, for twenty guns,"

"NO," Lou yelled, and once again we watched as she was hit. I placed my gun between the eyes of the big Indian in front of me,

"You have given me plenty of reason," I told him,

"You will die, soon as your bullet is fired," He warned me.

"I don't care I will die a happy man knowing that I killed you first." I told him honestly.

"We just want the girl. She was taken from us, three years ago. She is not yours she is ours." Buck tried to reason.

"Twenty guns, you can have her,"

"Jimmy we need to walk away from here today, lower your guns son,"

"Listen to your elder boy," I felt my Jaw tick, with anger as my trigger finger danced over the trigger. I really wanted this kill.

But I listened to Teaspoon and I retraced my gun, but still kept it in my hand. I wanted nothing more than to fire my guns, but it wasn't the time.

"We will be back," Teaspoon told them,

"I have no doubt," the Indian laughed.

Lou was being carried away. I wanted to rip the one who held her, arms off. She looked our way and said.

"Don't come back, not for me." All the Indian men turned their back and walked off in the same direction.

I had a sick feeling that, that was the last time we would be seeing her. I prayed it wasn't but god hasn't been on our side of late.


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own the Young Riders**

Lou

Most girls dream of their wedding day. They picture the perfect white dress, the little white church, all their friends and family, and most of all the loving husband.

I have not had that dream, though I sit and wish that I did, but all I have ever wished for was to be free. Free from the orphanage, free from my father and now free from the Indians.

I wasn't like any other girl I knew, not that I knew many, but I had known enough to know that I was different.

That has been proven time and time again these last few years. The men of the tribe had their moments, and yes there were some pretty major things they inflicted on me, but I expected it from them.

Men were ruthless, savage and brutal, no matter what colour their skin was. So everything they dished out did not surprise me.

It was the women that shocked the hell out of me. Bloodied and bruised I was always sent to the women to be cleaned up. I had hoped for comfort, I had hoped for some womanly kindness and respect, after all we were all in the same boat one way or another.

But no, I was not welcomed with any of that stuff. I was greeted with more hostility, and more often than not they would take to beating me as well, if not more than the men.

I have felt let down by my sex, betrayed, out casted, I have no idea why I deserved to be treated that way, as it was not me who wanted to be here.

I was taken, traded, and ripped from place to place. Why they didn't kill me, I will never know.

My hope had all but faded, as the thought of giving these savages just cause to kill me appealed more and more ever day.

Was I beaten, and taken that much that I had no will to live?

Yes, yes I was.

But it was one dream that I continued to have that kept me going, one dream that would fill me with hope, when I would go to bed with none.

That was the dream of seeing my family again.

Buck, Jimmy, Ike, Kid, Cody, Teaspoon and Emma, are what kept me going.

So when I heard one of their voices question my name, I thanked the lord for allowing one of my dreams come true.

Teaspoon was the first one I saw, and although I knew there were others there, he was all I could see.

I walked over thinking I must look like a sight. I tried to straighten out my mattered hair, and my sorry excuse for a dress, but I knew the actions were futile.

And just like my dreams, Teaspoon didn't care if I was dirty, used, and abused, all he saw was me. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling home. Oh how I wish he could take me home.

When I was grabbed, I first thought my dream had gone, but when my eyes found the eyes of my brother, my happiness reached a new level.

"I never thought that I would see you again," Buck cried into my hair. I couldn't believe Buck was here.

"I have worried that you never made it," I told him, shedding my own tears.

"Get your hands off of her half blood," No, no, no, no, why now, why me.

Rougher hands pulled me from Buck. I didn't need to look to see who it was, his voice alone striked fear into me. I looked down to the ground, wishing that it would swallow me whole.

He yelled at me, calling me a worthless whore, dirt on his feet, and wasted space. I don't know why, maybe it was having the strength of my family beside me, that gave me my own strength, but I spat on the man in front of me.

He wanted to treat me like an animal, I will act like one.

His hand flew out and struck me. Stars filled my head, as my vision blurred and my knees buckled. I swear every strike is becoming harder to take.

I hit the ground hard, I could hear Teaspoon's voice, and knew I had to get up so I didn't cause him to worry.

"Lou are you alright?" he asked, giving me reason to prove to him that I was.

I stumbled a bit as my vision wasn't too good.

"Do not answer the pale face, you go, you go now,"

"Not without the girl," A new, but familiar voice told them from somewhere in front of me. I tried to have a look but still my vision was cloudy, a hand reached out to help me, but when I finally became steady I was knocked back down, this time however my world turned black.

I started to hear voices in the darkness. I tried moving again able to recognise Teaspoon's voice.

"We only want her, surely there is something you want or need in an exchange."

"Her, for twenty guns,"

"NO," I screamed, before I was once again hit.

I didn't want them to exchange me for anything. I knew that armour was hard to get a hold of. I didn't want that stress for them.

Or worse I didn't want that path to find my father. I had no doubt that he was still a strong player in the gun running business.

I never wanted my family to know that man.

Someone had picked me up, and we started moving. I looked back to my family,

"Don't come back, not for me." I told them as sternly as I could, but as I looked into the eyes of Jimmy, Buck, Ike and Teaspoon I knew that my words were not heard.

* * *

><p>I think that was a week ago.<p>

I was abused regularly since that day, as I had embarrassed the tribe, and two days ago I thought that I was slipping away from the light.

If it hadn't been for the Chief, I most likely would be dead. But the tribe had hope; hope that Teaspoon wanted me back. Hope that they would get their guns, so that made me valuable.

Without me there would be no guns.

I on the other hand went against my dreams, against my hope as I found myself praying that Teaspoon and the boys would stay away. I really didn't want them to come back to this place, it wasn't safe.

The days were getting shorter and the nights were getting cooler. I didn't dare ask for another buffalo hide, I was lucky to have the one I had now. But my feet were never warm and I was scared that if they didn't start to get some warmth, they might just fall off.

* * *

><p>I was awoken abruptly, by being pulled from my sleep, out of the Tipi, and into the brisk morning air. I quickly wiped my eyes, as they struggled with the intruding light.<p>

"It's time," was all I was told as one of the young Indians wrapped his hand around my upper arm and started dragging me.

The dress I wore was so thin, that I was sure it was nearly see through, and it only just covered my knees. The wind was whipping around my bare legs. Each gust was like a sharp knife making marks on my skin.

I tried rubbing one leg on the other, hoping some friction would make some warmth, but it was pointless.

The one who held me became my warmth and although I hated him with as much passion as the next man of the tribe, he was warm. So warm that when he wrapped his hand around my bare arm it felt like he had burnt me.

We came to a stop and I was roughly pulled to a halt.

I looked to the horizon to that they were all here. Teaspoon, Buck, Ike, Jimmy, Cody, Kid and another that I did not know.

The one that held me, griped my upper arm tighter, as he leant into me to whisper in my ear.

"You leave, you leave dead." He laughed in my ear.

Just like I knew it would be, this was a mistake. I knew that they should have never have come.

"I don't care," I told him.

"We have your guns, now you keep up your part of the deal and hand the girl over," Teaspoon demanded loudly.

I was shoved forward tripping over my own feet. I landed hard on my knees on the hard ground, and my hands out in front of me.

"You son of a bitch," I heard one of my family yell.

I took a second to gather myself before I got to my feet.

I could feel blood trickling down my leg, but I didn't look, and I didn't care. My eyes stayed on the figures of my family, and all I could think was, this was all too easy.

As I got in hearing range of Teaspoon and the others I had to tell them. I knew these savages behind me, and I knew that they would not let this happen without a fight.

"It's a trap, they are not going to let us leave," I told them as I got closer.

"Don't you worry about that, just keep walking towards us," Buck told me.

"STOP!" I heard the Chief yell from behind me. I stopped immediately, this was it, this was my end.

"You bring the guns to girl," The Chief told them.

I looked to my family and smiled, "Thank you,"

"Lou what are you..." Buck started,

"Thank you for coming to get me."

"Keep walking this way," Jimmy told me,

"I can't, I already know I aint' walking away from here today. But you still have a chance, please just go."

"Give guns to girl," The Chief roared in anger.

"Lou I need you to listen to me. You need to keep coming this way, we have a plan." Jimmy told me seriously,

"You have a shield that will protect me from all the arrows that are trained on me? They will kill me either way. I told you not to come. I told you..."

"SIT!"

I sat. I would not give the tribe reason to fire on my family.

"Lou, please come to us," Jimmy begged,

"I can't,"

I didn't dare look behind me. If I was going to die it will be with my eyes on my family. They were talking amongst themselves. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I was getting nervous as both sides just stood there waiting for something.

But what?

Buck suddenly let out a cry of some sort, but before I could question or ask, the site of Indians surrounded our gathering caught my attention.

Where these Buck's people.

"As you can see, we have levelled the playing ground. Now the girl is to come to us, we will leave your guns where we stand." Teaspoon said, sounding a little cocky.

I watched as the Kiowa enclosed on our gathering. I smiled smugly when I heard the cries of outrage behind me.

I didn't believe that they were here just for me. The Cheyenne have wronged the Kiowa for years. This was a chance for them to give some payback towards one of the Cheyenne's major allies. Either way I was grateful that they were here as extra back up for my family.

The two Indian tribes were exchanging words, back and forth. The Arapaho were not happy. I couldn't help but laugh.

Maybe I was insane, shit I had every right to be, but I sat and I laughed...until I cried.

I placed my hands over my face and I cried. I cried just as hard as I did when I was free from my father and I planned on doing exactly what I had that night. I let it all out and I let it all go.

My personal celebration maybe a little early as I still sat in the middle of this hostile gathering, but my body felt right for it to be done now.

"Lou," Jimmy's voice said from above me. I pulled my hands from my eyes to see he was next to me on his horse.

"Lou, give me your hand," Jimmy demanded,

I reached up and took his hand in mine. He pulled me up onto his horse, placing me in front of him.

"You're freezing," he told me as we got comfortable.

"I want you to wrap your arms around the mounts neck, don't let him go." I did as he asked, loving the warmth that was coming from the horse. "Keep your head low," Jimmy told me as he took off.

I closed my eyes hearing shots being fired, yelling, crying. I could feel the horse going this way and that but I didn't dare look.

What if all this was just one of my dreams?

"Hold on Lou, we're going home."


	4. Chapter 4

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**Sorry it has taken so long to update this story. My other one has been on my mind a lot more than this one.**

**I needed to take a break from Learning to Dance Again. Jimmy is being a naughty boy, who quite frankly needs a good spanking. **

**Hmmm, any takers? **

* * *

><p>Jimmy<p>

I cannot explain the feeling that surged through me, when I had Lou safely in my arms. "Am I really going home?" she asked me, her voice sounding like it was fading out.

I stroked her hair back from her face, "Yeah honey, you are." I couldn't get over how much she has changed in these three years.

Her face, although new to me as a woman, has slimmed down, her hair is longer and I think lighter, perhaps from the sun. The Lou I once knew gone, and in his place a beautiful young woman.

I could hear the shots from behind me cease. I hoped like hell that everyone was walking away from there today.

I think back to a week ago when Buck, Ike, Teaspoon and I arrived back to the way station, we were all excited, scared, relieved, petrified all at the same time.

Lou was alive, she wasn't in the best situation, but she was alive and that is what we had to keep reminding ourselves.

When we told the Kid and Cody what we had seen, Kid asked the one thing we hadn't spoken about, had she been mistreated.

Of course she had, but she was still Lou.

Buck flew from the bunkhouse saying he would be back, that he needed to speak with his Kiowa family.

Red Bear, Buck's brother, knew all about Lou and what she had done to save Buck. From that day on Red Bear cared for Lou and the whole tribe thought of Lou as family, just like we did.

So when Buck announced that he was going to them, we knew he was going for back up, and we knew Kiowa would answer that call.

I held Lou a little tighter, trying not to hurt her, but she felt so fragile. Her body sagged sideways. She was exhausted and when her soft snores fell on my ears, it told me sleep had finally taken over her body. I shifted her again so I could get a better hold of her. Her dress had ridden up some and I blanched when my warm hands felt her frozen skin. She was as cold as the winter snow. I hissed under my breath when I caught sight of many bruises and he bloodied knees.

"How is she?" Teaspoon asked as he caught up to me, his eyes narrowing at the sight of her beaten legs and arms.

"Freezing," I pulled off my jacket with my spare hand, and draped it over Lou's tiny body, unfortunately her legs remained uncovered.

Red Bear seeing what I was doing came over and ran his hands down her leg, shaking his head.

"She can have my moccasins," he said as he leant down to unlace his boots.

He slipped them on her feet, tying them as tight as he could as they were huge on her.

"Skin and bone," he said shaking his head. His concern was confirmation about his respect for Lou.

He touched her head with his right hand, his head turned to the sky and he closed his eyes, whispering something in his native tongue, before opening them and talking to Buck.

"What of your guns?" he asked.

"What guns?" Teaspoon laughed. Red Bear looked to Teaspoon as if he was mad.

Little did Red Bear know, but that box was empty.

"You bring her to me when she is well." Red Bear instructed Buck, who agreed before

"Are you sure you got her?" Teaspoon asked in concern as we headed for home.

"I got her Teaspoon," I confirmed as I nudged Sundance to gallop a little harder.

Rock Creek was in our sights and Lou was still sleeping soundly in my arms.

Rachel was pacing the porch waiting for us to arrive. I couldn't quite explain where the pride that was radiating inside of me came from, when she spotted Lou in my arms.

She had never met Lou but something tells me that they will be good friends.

"Whoa boy," I pulled on Sundance's reins as Buck came up beside me and grabbed Lou in his arms. Buck cared for Lou and I knew he was relieved to have her back, maybe more so than the rest of us.

"Bring her up to the house," Rachel told Buck, but we were having none of that.

"No, she belongs in the bunkhouse with us," I told her to which everyone agreed, even Teaspoon.

"No offence Rachel, but that bunk has been waiting three years to have Lou back in it," Cody told Rachel sternly but kindly.

"Well I suggest you let it wait for one more night. Cos' if you put that girl in that top bunk, and she awakes with a start not knowing where she is, then she will fall out, and by the looks of her she will snap in two."

Rachel was right, on both accounts.

"She can have my bunk," Kid said. Her bunk was on top of his so it made sense I guess, though every part of me wanted her in my bunk.

Buck carried her inside and lay her down on Kid's bunk. We all just stood there drinking her form in.

"Can I at least change her? Clean her cuts," Rachel asked. I looked down to see that the dress Lou was wearing was practically see through, dirty and tattered. And the blood that had come from when she fell on her knees had dried and caked onto her skin.

"Of course Rachel," Teaspoon said, ushering us out of the bunkhouse.

We all took a position on the porch, waiting for Rachel to be finished.

"I can't believe she is back, I mean after all these years...I hate to say it boys but I thought she was dead,"

"Cody I think we all thought that at one time or another." Teaspoon said.

The door to the bunkhouse opened, and Rachel came out. She came out with red raw eyes and tear stained cheeks.

"Rachel what is it?"

"She ah..." Rachel looked back to the bunkhouse, "That girl in there is a survivor," she cried, bringing Teaspoon to his feet to cradle Rachel in his arms.

"What makes you say that?" He asked, looking up to the sky. Lou was like a daughter to him already, and I could see he was trying to brace himself for what was coming. I felt myself do the same.

"Her body Teaspoon, her body tells the story. Her bruises, her scars, I just don't know how another human can do that to someone so..." Rachel cried, while the rest of us seethed.

Teaspoon wrapped his arms tighter around Rachel as she cried.

"She is safe now, and she will remain safe that is all we need to worry about." He told Rachel and all of us.

The boys and I turned in early. I think we all just wanted to be close to Lou. It felt right having her back, I found us all just staring at the sleeping girl in the bunk. The flicker from the fire lit up her face and I found myself smiling at how peaceful she seemed.

"I think that she needs to eat my extra share at supper, she is so tiny." I wanted to laugh, but I knew that Cody was dead serious.

We went to sleep that night with our family feeling complete.

* * *

><p>"She's gone," Cody yelled spurring me and the others awake. I looked over to where Lou slept last night to see that the bunk was empty.<p>

We all ran for the door to look for her, but as the bunkhouse door widened we saw her sitting on the fence of the corral looking out to the horses, with Teaspoon by her side.

They looked deep in conversation and while Lou looked out to the horizon, Teaspoon had his eyes fixed on Lou.

Not wanting to disrupt them we all fell back into the bunkhouse and got ready for the day. Rachel wandered in not long after to get a fix on breakfast. We left her too it and went to start the morning chores.

"Stay clear of the main house, Lou is having a soak in the bath." Rachel told us as we walked out the door.

I found myself looking over to the house all morning. It was a nice feeling knowing that she was in there. That she was close.

Lou finally emerged out of the house, wearing her old boy's clothes. I somewhat expected to see her in a dress, but I guess she wore what she found comfortable.

After we all ate, Teaspoon started the conversation we were all dreading, and I actually wondered if it was best that he and Rachel talk about this without us boys here.

"Lou, do you need to see the doctor honey. I mean are you hurt, did they..." I swallowed the bile that spilled in my mouth. No one will ever treat her like that again.

"No Teaspoon I don't need a doctor. I am not going to dwell on what happened, so please don't ask me to. I have let it go, and I want you all to do the same." She made a point to look at us all, "I never want to talk about the last three years, so do not ask me to." She pleaded.

"But Lou, you have to give us something," Kid started but Lou cut him off.

"Like what Kid? How will you knowing what has happened to me make you feel better?"

"I don't think it will, but surely it will help you heal,"

"I heal in my own way. I told you that I have let it go, I want you to do the same."

I watched as these two eyed each other with annoyance. They were more like siblings than they saw.

"I just want to know if I am still welcome here, I mean it is obvious that I can no longer ride for the pony express, but can I still live here?"

"Of course you can Lou. You are home and we aren't going to let you leave, even if you want to." Teaspoon smiled, "But what do you plan on doing, with your time I mean,"

"Not sure yet, but I will figure it out." She said with confidence.

Teaspoon smiled in Lou's direction, "I have no doubt in my mind that you will sweetheart." I agreed. Lou was one hell of a woman. I truly believed that she could do anything she set her mind to.

It has taken her a few days to get into the swing of things around here, but she is fitting into our everyday life nicely.

I was right when I had thought that she and Rachel would get on great. Rachel loved having another woman around the station, though I would often see her frown when she would watch Lou roughing it with the boys.

Buck and I had noticed a sad and longing look that crossed Lou's face when Noah had ridden out this morning. She wanted nothing more than to jump in the saddle and ride like the wind to deliver the mochila, and no one said she couldn't. But Lou didn't feel right making Teaspoon lie to the company.

He was trying to find her a job in town but not a lot were hiring.

* * *

><p>"Where is Louise?" Rachel asked as she dished up our supper. I hadn't seen her all afternoon so I had no idea where she could be.<p>

"She said something about going to see someone in town, but that was an hour ago." Cody managed to get out with a mouth full of stew.

We all sat and chatted about our days and rides to come. Teaspoon was worried about the Cheyenne or the Arapaho seeking revenge on the pony express. If we had to cross their territory Teaspoon had two guns on that stretch of land, but it left us short in riders if any emergency mail came through.

I was yet to ride since Lou's return and I must admit the thought of leaving her killed me a little.

"I got a job," Lou sung as she breezed through the bunkhouse door, stopping our conversation. The smile she had on her face was infectious causing all of us to smile with her.

Like the rest of us, Rachel's smile beamed at the news, "Really Louise? That is great sweetheart."

"And where is this job Lou?" Teaspoon inquired while Lou found her seat at the table.

"I am going to be working at the saloon Teaspoon," She said proudly, but causing the rest of us to stop smiling.

"Why would you want to work there?" Kid asked sounding truly disgusted with the idea.

"Why wouldn't I want to work there?" Lou snapped back.

"Here we go," I muttered under my breath to Buck. He just smiled and nodded his head.

"Lou everyone knows what kind of women work in places like that?"

"I have worked in places like that Kid; please tell me what sort of woman am I?" Rachel said sweetly but her question to Kid was anything but.

Teaspoon leaned back in his chair grinning like a fool at Kid's predicament.

"Rachel I wasn't implying that there was anything wrong with women working in those places it is just the stigma that goes with it."

"Kid I don't care what people think of me, what matters is what my family think." Lou looked around the room. "Do any of you have a problem with me working at the saloon?" She asked.

I could see Kid was going to pipe up but I kicked his leg under the table shaking my head no.

"No Lou no one here has a problem with that." Cody smiled as he watched Kid's turmoil.

"Good, now can you please pass the biscuits," She asked Kid sweetly holding her hand out towards him.

As she looked down dishing her supper up the boys and I all shared a stressed look. I could see we were all going to be spending a lot of time at the saloon.

Later that evening Lou asked Rachel if she would mind fixing the dress she has to wear to the saloon. Lou was still tiny and seemed to have trouble finding anything that fit her properly.

"Am I seriously the only one that has a problem with Lou working at the saloon?" Asked from his bunk bed,

"Kid I think we can all agree that it aint perfect, but did you not see how happy she was?" Buck told him.

"Lou aint' like any other woman we have met, the sooner you see that, the better it will be." I told him, hoping he could learn to back off of her a little.

"What do you mean by that?"

"You and her butt heads more often than not, and usually it is because you are so set in your ways that you don't even see that it is not the only way. Back off of her for a bit, she is a lot stronger than what you give her credit for."

"You're right. I just...she is like a sister to me, and I hate the thought of any sister of mine working in a place like that."

"Kid she is like a sister to all of us, well maybe not Hickok," Cody sniggered.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

"I've seen the way you look at her. Longing and lovingly."

The others laughed nervously while I stayed quiet.

"Is that true Jimmy, you feel something for Lou?" Buck asked me. I think he out of anyone here deserved to know my intentions.

"I do Buck, but I wouldn't dare act on them until I feel the same attraction from her side."

Buck stayed quiet and I wasn't sure why.

"I too feel that way about her," he admitted quietly.

"Uh oh," Cody muttered. But I would have to agree. I did not want this to become some competition between Buck and me. Nor did I want it to tear us apart as brothers.

Nothing more was said that night.

* * *

><p>The next day I was preparing to ride out for tomorrow. It was only a short ride, but it was time away from Lou.<p>

After I finished up in the barn I made my way to the bunkhouse. I was starving as I missed lunch.

My jaw dropped as I looked to the bunkhouse door. Lou was dressed in her saloon dress. Her shoulders bare, and loose curls from her hair, that was all pulled to the side, sat on her shoulder. She looked amazing, and I loved to see that she was smiling as she twirled for Buck and Ike. Buck saw me coming over and I couldn't quite figure out the look he was giving me.

"I see you missed your calling Lou," I said causing her to smile and Buck to scowl. Maybe it was best that I kept my mouth shut last night.

"You think? I feel so...girly," She laughed. But I think Buck, Ike and I could all see how happy that made her feel.

"You are a girl," Ike signed.

"I know Ike, but today I feel like one." She smiled, "Shit I better go, I don't want to be late for my first shift." She said as she started off for town.

"Good luck Lou," Buck called out, Lou turned and gave us a wave before turning back towards the saloon.

"She looks like a lady and talks like a bloke, she will fit in fine." I told Buck and Ike to which they agreed.

Rachel and Teaspoon made sure we didn't bother Lou at the saloon. We were all itching to go down there, hoping she was alright. We all tried to sneak out a few times but Teaspoon was onto us. I knew the old buzzard wanted to go down there just as bad as we did, but he stood strong, so did I.

It must have been in the early hours of the morning when I finally heard the bunkhouse door open. I didn't have to see to know it was Lou.

"How did it go?" I whispered sleepily.

"Good, but I swear I'm dead on my feet," I could hear the smile in her voice, "Go back to sleep Jimmy," she giggled, before I heard her stumble, had she been drinking?

"Lou are you drunk?" I asked in amusement.

"No Jimmy I am not drunk." She said seriously, "I'm just not sober either," she giggled under her breath, causing Cody, Buck and I to laugh with her.

I heard her climb into her bunk, before her soft snores echoed through the small room.

"I hope she doesn't make a habit of this," Kid's disapproving voice said.

"Kid just leave it. Lou is able to do as she pleases,"

"It aint right,"

"And it aint wrong to listen to her laugh." Cody pointed out, and I happened to agree with him.


	5. Chapter 5

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

* * *

><p><strong>LOU<strong>

"Sweet cheeks you bringing me that drink I ordered or do I have to fetch it myself?"

I rolled my eyes to Hank, the bar man, who passed me the drinks for the impatient jerk behind me. Three months into this job and it still pisses me off at how some of these men talk to me. Yes I was a waitress, but I was also a woman, shouldn't that earn some respect?

I breathed in and turned round with my tray of drinks in my hand and a fake beaming smile on my lips.

I walked over to the card table and made a point of serving everyone else at the table first, before serving the one who called out to me.

"Took you long enough," he hissed as I placed his glass in front of him.

"Sorry, busy night, with the dance and all," I said as nicely as I could.

"You can't handle the heat love maybe this aint your calling." The asshole scoffed making his friends laugh with him.

I bit my tongue as I replied as sweetly as I could. "Once again I'm sorry, you small prick of a man."

"Why you little bitch," he stood quickly from his chair, raising his hand to strike me. But luckily for me someone grabbed his wrist, and placed a barrel of a gun at his temple, before he got the chance.

"You ever raise your hand to a lady, especially this one; I won't hesitate pulling the trigger." Jimmy sneered.

The weasel nodded and Jimmy lowered his weapon and pushed the pompous ass out of the way.

"Jimmy not that I'm not pleased to see you, but what are you doing here?"

"On the way to the dance, thought I would see if you were ready to go," he said as his eyes were still shooting daggers at the man behind me.

"Damn sure glad that I did," he hissed.

"Easy killer. It was nothing I couldn't handle." I told him.

An unreadable look passed his features as he looked down to me. "I guess you've had worse," he stated quietly.

"No not really," I said in a joking manor. We both knew that I had, but I wasn't going to admit it.

Jimmy narrowed his eyes at me, "Funny,"

"Yip." I said popping the 'p'.

Seeing that, that was all he was getting he asked, "So you coming to this dance?"

"I still have half hour till my break, I'll wander over soon." I could see on his face what he was going to ask, so I got in first, "No Jimmy, I don't need you to wait."

"No I guess you wouldn't," he kind of snapped at me. "I'll see you there then," and that was it, he was gone, leaving me wondering what I had done wrong.

Forty minutes later and I was heading into the dance. Hank said I could have a couple of hours, just as long I was back before the crowd from here headed to the bar.

I walked in to the dance instantly seeing Cody swinging a beautiful young girl around the dance floor. Hi smile was infectious and I found myself smiling as well, until I heard something that wiped the smile from my face.

"I wouldn't dance with you if you were the only man here," a girl laughed, causing her friends to laugh with her. I tried looking around the group of girls, to see who they were teasing.

"You can't even ask me like a normal man, are you dumb or something?" I weaved through the group of girls to see they were talking to Ike. He looked embarrassed and sad, as he listened to the girl's hateful words.

I could see Jimmy and Buck making their way over, obviously hearing what I was hearing. The thing was I could do something about it. I pushed my way through the girls, shoving a couple out of the way.

I held out my hand towards Ike, but he was looking down to the ground. "Ike McSwain you look at me now," I told him sternly.

He raised his head and looked at me and my out reached hand. I could see the hurt in his eyes and it was taking everything in me to not beat the living crap out of the silly cows that put that hurt there.

"Excuse me whore, who the hell do you think you..." One started yelling at me.

"Ike, take my hand." I said cutting the bitch off.

Ike reached out and took my hand with his. I pulled him away from the group of girls.

But as soon as he was away from them he took off. "Ike," I called out as he ran off out the door.

I turned my back on the crowd and ran after him. He ran out of the hall and into the street. I followed him.

"Ike," I called out.

I saw he had slowed down to a walk with his head in his hands. I took the opportunity and I caught up to him.

I pulled his face from his hands and I stood in front of him, holding my arms out in a dance embrace. "Dance with me, Ike," He looked up at me as though I was mad, "Please dance with me,"

It took him a minute but he placed one of his arms around my back and grabbed my other hand in his. We waited for the rhythm of the music to change so we could dance in time.

And we did, we danced and we danced. Ike twirled me around the middle of the street for what felt like hours, only stopping when the music did.

And when it did we stood still and pulled apart. "I'm very lucky to have you in my life Ike, we all are. You are my brother and I love you." I got on the tips of my toes and kissed his cheek, "Don't you ever believe what those girls said."

"Thank you Lou," he signed. I could still see he was still hurting but I hoped that he knew how much he meant to us all.

"Now I have to go to the saloon, all those thirsty mouths will be heading that way." I gave him another kiss before running off to start my shift. I saw that my family were all standing outside the hall watching. I gave them a wave and asked them to look after Ike.

"Hey sugar how 'bout that drink?"

"Coming Mister," I sung out as I grabbed the whiskey from the bar top. I weaved through the men that were gathered in a large group.

"I heard that Wild Bill lives here in this town, do you think he's here?" I heard one of them say. I hoped that Jimmy stayed clear, especially if these men wanted a fight.

"Sorry for the wait Mister, run off my feet tonight." I told the man who had been waiting on his drink.

"That's fine love." He smiled up at me as I placed the glass on the table in front of him. "Perhaps you could make it up to me, upstairs," he said as he grabbed my hand.

"Sorry sir, I am just the waitress, I can organise one of the girls for you."

"But I want you," he told me,

"Like I said Sir I am sorry, let me get someone who can help." I pulled my hand away from his and went in search of Danielle.

"Danielle I have a gentlemen over the way who wants an escort." I pointed over to the customer I had just left.

"Thanks honey, I'll go see what he needs." She smiled sweetly as she gracefully moved through the crowd.

Hours ticked by and I swear that I was about to see the rising sun. The patrons were starting to lose control and I knew that Hank would throw them out at the first sign of trouble.

I started cleaning the table tops, as the crowds dwindled down. A few tables held card players and a couple of quiet drinkers.

As I was wiping the table near the main door down, the guy I sent Danielle to, came running past me and out the door, but not before he turned and looked at me, flicking me a wink.

My body shuddered as I got a creepy feeling from him.

An hour later and I was free to go home. And just like I called it, I could hear the birds begin to awaken.

"Lou honey, what are you still doing here?" Teaspoon's voice asked from behind me.

"I work here Teaspoon, what are you doing here?" I looked around still seeing that everything was as it should be no trouble for him to be here on business.

"There was a situation with one of the hostesses. You look exhausted sweetheart," he told me.

"I am. I'm just heading home."

"Wait for me and I will walk you home," I went to argue but he stopped me, "Just amuse me Lou and agree."

"Ok Teaspoon,"

Teaspoon walked up the stairs while I walked out back and grabbed some water. Another hour passed and my eye lids became heavier and just as I thought I couldn't hold out any longer Teaspoon came down the stairs, with Danielle behind him.

"Teas..." I started until I caught Danielle' beaten face, "Danielle what happened," I asked in concern as she looked up. Her eye was a nasty purple shade and she had marks all around her neck. She looked to Teaspoon

"One of my customers got rough,"

"Are you alright, do you need me to get the Doc?" I asked concerned for her.

"No I'm alright Lou, thanks though."

"Teaspoon are you going to catch the man that did this to her?" I asked him in outrage. I raked my brain trying to remember who I last saw her with...

"It was him." Teaspoon looked confused and worried at the same time, by my outburst.

"It was the man I sent you over to see, wasnt it?" Danielle nodded her head. "I am so sorry Danielle." I told her as I placed my arm around her.

I felt awful, this was my fault.

"You talked to the man Lou?" Teaspoon asked me. Why he wasn't leaving here to go and find the bastard was beyond me.

"Yes I did Teaspoon, but I don't see how that has anything to do with what he did to Danielle." I snapped, not meaning to. I was just fed up with this man's world. It seems that they think that they can get away with treating women like crap.

Teaspoon was a good man though and I had no right speaking to him in that way.

"Sorry Teaspoon, I just can't help but feel responsible for this happening to Danielle. The creep asked me if I would accompany him upstairs, but I told him I wasn't a hostess and said I would send Danielle over." I looked back to Danielle, "I am so sorry," I told her again.

After insisting that she was fine, Teaspoon and I headed for home. I was actually quite upset about what had happened to Danielle. She was a nice girl and didn't deserve to be treated that way.

"Why do men treat women that way?" I asked. And even though I was asking about what happened to Danielle a small part of me wanted to know why I had had a shit run as well.

"Lou I can't even pretend that I know what goes on in the minds of men like that, or men that you have met in your life time, but I want you to know that not all men are that way."

"I know Teaspoon. You and the boys are the good ones, but I think god broke the mould that created you all." As we got to the bunkhouse I looked up to see Jimmy sitting on the edge of the porch.

"Jimmy what are you doing up?" I asked when I saw him lacing his boots.

"I have a..." he paused and looked at Teaspoon. I turned to look as well but he didn't look any different to what he did a few seconds ago, "I have a run Lou. How did your night go?"

"It was really busy after the dance." I told him. I was getting the feeling that I was missing something, deciding that they obviously needed to speak without me there. I excused myself and turned in.

"Safe ride Jimmy," I told him sleepily, as I headed into the bunkhouse. I think I was asleep before I even reached my pillow, but I thought I heard Jimmy come in and wake Buck, but I was too tired to care.

* * *

><p>I awoke to a light nudging, I felt like I had only just closed my eyes, but when I opened them and saw that the sun was nearly down, I jumped out of my bunk and straight into Ike.<p>

"Shit sorry Ike," I yawned. I was so tired that I felt like I could sleep for a week.

"Rachel asked me to wake you," He signed,

"She did?" Ike nodded. "I wonder why?" I questioned.

"You start work in an hour," he signed.

"Oh god is it that late?" again another nod, "Well I better go get beautiful," I smiled, making Ike smile with me.

I quickly grabbed everything I needed and ran over to the house. I need to have a long bath as my hair needs a good washing. That was the only drawback about working at the saloon; I came home smelling like one.

After washing my hair and the rest of me I slipped out of the bath, but as I reached for my dressing gown the door slammed open, "Rachel," Buck called, I quickly turned myself so he would only see my bare back and backside, but that meant he would see...

"Oh Lou, I'm so..." I heard his breath hitch and I knew he could see all my scars on my back.

"Leave Buck," I told him as I reached out for my gown. I quickly pulled it around me, but didn't dare turn around. I didn't want his sympathy.

"Leave Buck," I told him once again.

"Lou I...I ah..."

"Leave,"

I heard the door being pulled shut as a tear escaped my eye. I never wanted my family to see my ugliness.

I slowly walked to the bunkhouse to say goodbye. I knew that I should eat something but I didn't have the stomach to do so.

I opened the door and dared not to look in Bucks direction.

"I'm off; I will see you later,"

"Lou honey you have to eat,"

"No I'm fine Rachel, thanks."

"Honey you haven't eaten today." I wanted to tell her I can go days without food, but I didn't. Those are my nightmares to have no one else's.

"I know, but Hank will feed us later any way." I could see she wasnt going to give up so I reached out and grabbed a carrot. "Happy?" I asked, as I munched on the carrot.

"No but it will do for now," she told me.

"You will have to wait for tomorrow. I have a day off so I can sit and eat a proper meal."

* * *

><p>After another exhausting shift I stumbled home, looking forward to my day off tomorrow. Though I needed to pull my weight around the station as well, so I would try to help Rachel and the boys out as early as my body would allow it.<p>

I looked up to see Buck was waiting by the corral. He was obviously waiting on me, so I headed over there.

"What are you doing up?" I asked him, looking anywhere but where he was standing.

"How did you get them?"

"Buck I let it go, I don't want to..."

"I need to know Lou. I need to know who did that to you."

"Why?"

"Cos it aint right. I know you would have suffered from them long before you were taken. So you must have been real young when you got them."

"You don't know that."

"Indians don't whip. They are whip marks are they not?"

"They are, and that is all you need to know."

Buck walked closer to me, "I need to know everything, Lou. I want to know who you were before you came to the express and I want to know why you thought it necessary to dress like a man, and I want to know why you put yourself in danger, to save me."

"Why? None of that matters it is not the life I live now,"

"No but it has made you who you are now."

"Buck I just want to forget those stages in my life."

"I can understand that Lou. But you saved me once. I want to do the same for you."

"How? By killing every man that has wronged me in some way? That will just add another thing to an already troubled mind Buck. Now goodnight." I spun on my heel and walked into the bunk house.

I was pissed off that Buck would ask me those things when I made it perfectly clear to everyone that I never wanted to talk about it. But then a small part of me felt like they needed an explanation of some kind.

I slipped into my bunk turning myself towards the wall, not wanting to see Buck when he came in, and even a part of me never wanted to see him again.

I felt ugly, embarrassed and ashamed. Another tear fell from my eye. I closed my eyes holding anymore that threatened to fall, in. But pictures of my father's face flickered behind my eye lids.

I tossed and I turned wanting the memories to stay hidden, but it was all coming back, my father, my time on the run, the Indians, everything.

I needed to get out of here, I was going to have a meltdown, one that I didn't want to, so I want about to have it in front of the boys.

I jumped off my bunk and ran for the door, not caring that I was in my nightgown. I raced to the stables, with Buck yelling my name after me.

I mounted the first horse that I crossed, not bothering about a saddle or reins. Arcturus, Teaspoon's horse just happened to be the closest.

"Lou you can't leave like this," Buck called out, but I didn't stop, I rode into the darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

I do not own the Young Riders.

I am so sorry, and I know that excuses are not what you want, so I will not bore you with them. I hope I can post earlier, but if I don't please know I will not give up on either story.

Thanks for your reviews.

* * *

><p><strong>Jimmy<strong>

I was nearing the station after a long hard ride, I was looking forward to my bed and Rachel's cooking.

And I was also looking forward to see if anything had come of the man that Teaspoon was concerned about before I left.

As I was nearing the station, I could hear a horse thundering somewhere in the nearby distance, I pulled my mount to a halt. My eyes strained to see into the darkness, but I was sure I was seeing a woman in a white nightgown galloping away.

Being this close to the station I had a strange feeling that it had to be Lou.

"Lou," I called out in question, "Lou is that you?" I yelled out again, when no one replied after the first time.

"Jimmy?" Buck's voice questioned coming up from the side of me.

"Buck what the fuck is going on? Is Lou out here?" I asked in concern.

"She took off a minute ago."

"Why? Did something happen?" I asked worried that Lou had come to harm in some way, especially after what Teaspoon had shared with me before I left for my run.

"She and I had a few words earlier. That is the only thing I can think of that would cause her to be so upset."

"What the hell did you say to her?" I asked crossly.

"He didn't say anything," Lou's voice said quietly as she came up beside us. "I'm sorry," she whispered as she pulled Arcturus to a halt.

"Lou, you don't have to..."

"Yeah I do Buck. It was childish to run off like that, and I shouldn't have caused you the worry." She said looking down to the ground.

"Your questions bought back memories that I try so hard to forget. I didn't want to break down in front of you all." She admitted softly.

"Lou we care about you, that is what we are here for, to catch you when you fall." Buck told her.

"But I don't want that. I won't play the victim. Every woman I know is a victim in some way or another; the west is rough on us. You boys deserve to save you consoling for that someone special." I had no idea what these two talked about today, but obviously it was quite serious for it to cause this kind of effect.

The other thing that bothered me was she was thinking about us, well in particular me, with another woman. Did she not see that Buck and I both cared for her? She was special to us. Of course I would rather it just be me, but if it couldn't, Buck was a good man. I knew he would take care of her.

"Lou can you not see that you are that someone special for us?" I asked carefully, feeling Buck's eyes on me at the admission of our feelings for her.

Lou's own eyes widened as she stared at us in panic.

"Jimmy, Buck I cannot be that for anyone, especially not for any of you boys." She told me with such conviction, that any hope that I had, had, was completely squashed.

"Why not Lou?" I gulped,

"Because...just because." She snapped, as she went to turn Arcturus.

"Lou, please don't run. You cannot run every time things get hard. Please talk to us," Buck pleaded.

Despair was written all over her face as she looked between Buck and me. This was the first time she has had to face any real emotion since she came back to us, and I was worried that we were pushing her to fast to soon.

"You are both young, handsome, caring men. You will meet fine women, who will give you a family, make a home and will love you back. You deserve that, you deserve a whole woman." She whispered the last part so quietly that I almost missed it.

Almost.

"What do you mean by a whole woman?" I asked carefully knowing I will not like whatever answer she gives me.

"One who isn't broken, one who hasn't been used and abused and one who can give you a family, I cannot give you that."

"Why?" I found myself asking, knowing that I was pushing her.

"Jimmy I have...in all the times..." I could see her struggling with this conversation, "For all the times a man has been with me, I have never fallen with child."

"Lou," Buck whispered, half whimpered,

"Don't you feel sorry for me Buck," Lou said angrily.

"Of course I feel sorry for you. You cannot ask me not to. I care for you Lou and it kills me to know you have been hurt in such ways I can only imagine." Buck told her.

"But Buck I aint the only women out there that has been through things, go save another go find another."

"But he don't care about another Lou, Buck cares about you." I looked to Buck, then back to Lou, "We both care for you."

"No you both feel sorry for me. You both have the urge to play the hero. Guess what boys it's too late. I don't need a hero that time has passed."

"Lou that aint it at all,"

"Really Buck?" She looked to the sky and then back to him, "I may have believed you if this came out before you saw my marks."

"What marks?" I asked knowing once again that I was going to hate the answer.

Lou and Buck seemed to look at each other for back up. Just when I thought Buck was going to step up and tell me, Lou's quiet voice began.

"My father use to whip me." She said looking to the ground.

"Your father?" Buck and I questioned at the same time. I looked to him thinking he already knew about this, so why did he sound so shocked?

Lou only nodded her head as confirmation.

Seeing that that was all she was giving us, I pressed the subject further.

"They left marks?" I asked swallowing the hate for a man I did not know.

"Yes. Ugly scars, ugly reminders,"

"Lou they are only ugly because of the way you got them and who gave them to you. They do not make you ugly." Buck told her.

"They are a part of me Buck, how could they not make me ugly?"

I got off of my horse, holding my hand out for Lou to dismount hers. She hesitated but held her hand out for mine.

Once we were both standing on firm ground, I lifted my shirt up and over my head. The lighting wasn't great, so I grabbed Lou's hand and bought her fingers to my bare skin.

"Jimmy, what..." She began to question, trying to pull her hand away.

"Shh, just feel Lou." I told her, gripping onto her hand just a bit more.

I guided her fingers over the many scares that littered my torso and arms. Gunshot wounds and knife marks from throughout my years had all left scars on my body.

I could hear her crying as her fingers ghosted over everyone I could reach. "We all have scars Lou, and they all come with a story," I told her, making her cry even more.

"What about the scars you can't see, but can feel them inside of you. Painfully sitting inside your heart making it ache day in and day out?"

"They only hurt because you have locked them in there Lou. Trust the people around you, share them, cry for them, let some of the hurt go." I told her, as Buck came and stood next to her as well.

Lou seemed to ponder things for a second before turning her back on Buck and me. I was about to question what she was doing when I saw her slowly pulling her gown off of her shoulders. She let one arm free at a time, before allowing her gown to fall to the small of her back.

In the light of the moon I could just make out silver lines across the skin on her back. I raised my own hand and traced them lightly, feeling that they weren't as raised as I had imagined. But I knew that to Lou they were huge.

I watched as Buck did the same, his hand tracing where mine had just been. I could see the glassiness in his eyes as he was obviously thinking about the pain this woman we loved had gone through.

"He would only whip me when I wasn't doing as I was told. I suffered no other way under his hand." Lou whispered quietly, and putting my mind at ease. "In a way I should thank him. He made me stronger and gave me the necessities I needed to face the world."

"How so?" I asked as Lou began to pull her night gown back up and over her shoulders.

"I learnt to ride and fire a weapon; both have helped me survive this long." She turned slowly but her eyes didn't meet either Bucks or mine.

"Is that when you became Lou, instead of Louise, when you left him?" Buck asked.

"No, though it did factor into my decision. I ran away from him and went from town to town. I hid in barns, stole food and clothing and even a horse." You could hear how ashamed she was in admitting that.

"Lou, you did what you needed to survive," I told her.

"I know that, but I still feel shitty in doing that to good people." She paused for a minute and I was starting to think that that was all we were getting. Not that I was complaining, as it was the most information I knew about her, But Lou surprised me when she sat on the ground and began to talk again.

"I decided that I needed to risk being found, and I started looking for work. The ah...local brothel was looking for a house maid, mainly to do the laundry. They were offering free board as well as a wage so it was hard for me to turn down." She laughed, but not in humour.

"A couple of weeks into it and I begun to realise that the man I worked for was not as generous as he first appeared. You see nothing comes for free, and he felt that it was time that I started working for my board. I refused to be what he wanted me to be," I felt like the air had been knocked out of my lungs as she whimpered the next sentence.

"He ah...he took my innocence just the same."

"His name?" I snapped in anger.

"Does not matter anymore than it did back then, the damage is done, killing him aint going to change the past."

"Not you're past Lou, but maybe some girl's future." Buck told her.

"I never thought of it that way. I mean it didn't even cross my mind that he would do that again." she said in despair.

"His name?" I asked again. I was not going to leave here tonight to hunt this asshole down, but I will someday, someday soon.

"Wicks" she said sadly.

Buck and I shared a look, knowing neither one of us was forgetting that name, ever.

"That's when you became Lou?" Buck asked.

"Charlotte, one of the working girls, put me on the coach and I travelled to Seneca. I cut all of my long hair off," she smiled and cried at the same time.

"I was so sad to see it on the floor, it was so long and pretty, but when it was gone it was somewhat freeing as well. I thought that if I lived the life as a man, no harm would ever come of me, well apart from being shot, but that was a hell of a lot better thought than having someone like Wicks force himself on me again."

"Then why would you jeopardise it for me Lou?" Buck begun, "You didn't need to do what you did when the Cheyenne attacked."

"I did Buck. You are a part of the only family I have and know," Lou cried.

"Do you have any idea how much it pains me when I think about what you may have gone through in the hands of that tribe." Buck asked with pain behind every word.

"Buck if I didn't, you wouldn't be here telling me this," Lou said sounding just as hurt as Buck. Lou moved closer to Buck, and placed her hands either side of his face.

"Buck I will never regret saving you. I would do it all over again if it meant that you still walked this earth, with your scalp still intact." She kissed his lips ever so slightly, before pulling back.

"You have no idea how scared I was that I would never see you both again. Buck I thought that you may not have made it back home. When I left you there was so much blood...I thought you died anyway." She told him, "And Jimmy I worried for you and the others. I hated the thought of you boys not knowing. Not knowing how much I cared for you, and not knowing what had happened to Buck and me." She paused as she looked over at me.

"I thought of you all every day, all day." She smiled as she kissed me the same way she had kissed Buck.

"Lou..." I began but was soon cut off as Teaspoon's roaring voice came out of nowhere.

"What in tar nations are you three doing out here?" He asked as he looked at the three of us.

"It's my fault Teaspoon. I was upset and took off. These two found me." I could just make out Teaspoon's face. I knew that he knew that there was more to the story.

"Well Louise, maybe it is best that you head on back to the station. Rachel is worried sick about you."

"Ok Teaspoon, and sorry I took Arcturus," Lou said as she mounted her horse.

"That's alright sweetheart," Teaspoon replied, following Lou's lead back to the station.

Buck and I mounted our horses as well and we followed Lou and Teaspoon back home. I knew that there was a hell of a lot more to talk about, and hoped that we would get to continue soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**I do not own the Young Riders**

Lou

I could not believe that I would open up like that to Jimmy and Buck. I have never let anyone see me so weak and vulnerable. There was just something about those two men that has me wanting to share everything with them, but at the same time scared to tell them anything.

I am so confused.

I would find myself day dreaming of them both. The way their rough fingers touched the skin on my back, and the emotion they have both felt in front of me, has my head spinning.

I don't know where and when my feelings have changed, but I know that they have changed. I find myself going through my day to day routine, excited that I would see one of them or both of them throughout the day, and when I did, one look into their eyes had my stomach in butterflies.

Was this love? Did I love Buck and Jimmy?

I have never known love like that.

I mean I'm sure that I have felt love in the past. I loved my Mother, my sister and my brother, not that I remember it, but I know I love the idea of them.

This was different. This was a deeper love, an exciting love. If that is what it is?

I am so confused.

Are you even allowed to love two people at the same time? Would one of them ever feel like that for me? The whole thing is kind of scaring me.

"Hey Darlin'" A voice called out, pulling me from my inner ramblings.

I was nearly at the saloon to start my shift. I looked around me to see who had said that, and if it was meant for me. It was not a voice I recognised and as I scanned some faces around me I did not see anyone, until a man winked and smiled at me.

It took me a second to recognise him as the man who attacked Danielle. I chose to ignore him and continued towards the bar, picking my pace up slightly.

"It would do you good to talk to me little miss,"

"And why is that?" I asked, scolding myself on the inside for giving into him so easily.

"Been what...five years since you seen your Daddy. You've been hiding real good, hate to spoil all that now."

This man knows my father? Was he one of his men? Is that how he recognised me? All these questions raced through my head as the guy took the opportunity to step closer to me.

"Step back," I warned, taking a step back myself.

"I aint going to hurt you missy," he paused as he took a look around, "Well not here anyway," he sneered as he rounded me again.

I quickly looked in the direction of Teaspoon's office knowing that the boys were there. I instantly saw Cody and Jimmy walking in the other direction, towards Tompkins store.

"JIMMY," I yelled out as loud as I could, and waving my hand, hoping he would see me. He and Cody spun around with huge smiles on their faces, but as soon as Jimmy saw I was not alone his smile dropped and they started making their way over here.

"You stupid bitch," My visitor hissed in my ear as he turned and ran off in the opposite direction. I was relieved he was gone and that Jimmy and Cody had been in the right place at the right time.

"You alright?" Jimmy asked as he grabbed both my forearms in his hands and studied my face.

"He was the man that attacked Danielle." I told him and Cody, not liking the look of panic on Jimmy's face.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes I'm sure Jimmy." I snapped, knowing I would never forget that man's face.

"What did he want to talk to you about?" Cody asked.

"I don't know. I didn't give him a chance to tell me." I lied.

"You're lying," Jimmy stated coolly, making my face flush in embarrassment.

"What did he want?" he asked forcefully.

I looked at Cody hoping he was going to be the good guy, and help me out a bit, but he just looked as interested as Jimmy did in the answer.

Sighing in defeat I said, "He knows my father." I told them as I became real interested in my shoes.

"You're Father?" Cody questioned, to which I just nodded.

"You're not going to work," Jimmy snapped like his word was final.

"Yes I am Jimmy. You can't go all cavemen on me and lock me up."

"I can and I will. Did you not see the damage he did to Danielle? I don't want it happening to you."

"It won't, Hank will make sure of it."

"He must have wanted something," Jimmy pushed,

"Who Hank?" I asked knowing that is not who he was talking about.

"The man Lou, did he give you any clue to why he was here." He asked.

"No not really." Jimmy gave me an odd look. "I'm telling you the truth Jimmy. All he said is that he knew my father and that I had done a great job at hiding all these years."

"Anything else?"

"He said that if I didn't talk to him he would let my father know where I was."

"And that is a bad thing?" Cody asked, not knowing my past.

Both Jimmy and I nodded yes.

"He must have known me back then, but I don't remember him."

"Louise are you coming to work or not?" Hank yelled out from the doorway of the saloon.

"Not," Jimmy yelled back before I yelled out that I was coming.

"Lou you can't, I mean what if he comes back?"

"I will be fine at work Jimmy, but maybe you could meet me after work and walk me home."

"Alright, but we will be at Teaspoons, if you need us." I nodded and started walking towards the Saloon, "And Honey," Jimmy called out to which I turned "Your father's name?" I shook my head and started back to the salon.

I did not want to get into this right now, and the thought of any of the boys getting caught up in my father's world scared the shit out of me. But at the same time Jimmy would be pissed if I didn't tell him, and I hated the feeling that he was angry at me.

"Boggs," was all I called out, knowing Cody and Jimmy would have heard me.

* * *

><p>All shift I was watching the door, praying that every time it swung open that vile man did not walk through it.<p>

"You waiting for someone?" Danielle asked from behind me.

"I hope not," I told her. "Danielle that man that attacked you, did he mention me or why he was in town?"

Danielle paled slightly making me worry even more.

"Did the Marshal not tell you?" She asked, sounding shocked that I didn't know.

"Ah no," I answered just as shocked that Teaspoon would keep things from me."What didn't he tell me?" I asked with a whole lot of apprehension.

"That man, David or Davies, I can't quite recall, he ah...he ah..."

"Just tell me Danielle,"

"Maybe you should sit down,"

"No I'm fine, please Danielle I need to know, no matter how grim the details."

"He wouldn't call me by my name he told me that I was to answer to yours. And when we...you know...in the throws of it, he wanted me in postions that he couldn't see my face just my hair. Kept saying it was just as brown as yours, and just as pretty. He was not rough, not at first but when I asked what his deal was with you, that's when he started being rough and started hitting me."

I did not say anymore to her, hell what could I say to that?

"Hank I'm finishing up early," I called out as I ran to Teaspoons office. I felt tears falling from my eyes but they were angry tears, and nothing else. I was so wild with him from keeping that from me, that I didn't see the boys until I was standing in front of Teaspoon.

"OUT!" I roared to everyone. No one made a move so I screamed again. "OUT, I WANT EVERYONE OUT." This time they made a move, but Teaspoon knew that I was after him and stayed put.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he had the nerve to look as though he didn't know what I was on about.

"Davies or David, whatever his fucking name is, why didn't you tell me?"

"Danielle told you?"

"Only because I asked her to, she was surprised I didn't already know."

"Lou I didn't want to scare you?"

"Scare me Teaspoon, scare me. The only thing that scares me is the unknown."

"I'm sorry Lou. I just didn't want you to worry. I made a call and I stand by it." I knew he thought he was doing the right thing. And as I took in his protective stance, I knew I couldn't hold it against him.

"Do I need to know anything else?" I asked a bit calmer, but nowhere calm enough to be in a good mood.

"Did you know your father is a gun runner?"

"Of course I know." I said as I stormed out of his office and past the boys.

"Where are you going?" Kid asked

"Home," was all I said as I stormed off towards the station.

Ike ran up beside me, "I'll walk you home," he signed. I nodded, not sure if I should speak in case I take my anger out on him.

"Ike, do you think big cities are like this? I mean are the men so protective and so frustrating there?"

Ike just shrugged to my stupid question.

"Surely women don't have the same dramas we women of the west do." I told him as we continued to walk home.

I quickly stripped out of my dress and jumped into my bed.

"Ike you can come in now," I called as I snuggled under the blankets, shutting myself off from the world.

* * *

><p>The next morning I awoke to all the boys and Teaspoon dressed and at the table while Rachel served up breakfast. I sighed catching her eye, to which she flicked me a wink. I smiled at my friend making a mental note that she and I have a huge talk soon.<p>

I got out of bed, not caring about my state of undress, these men have all seen me in my nightgown, and I wanted to have a bath this morning so I was not dressing first to get undress later.

I sat down at the table next to Cody and in front of Buck. I could feel Cody's eyes on me, well on my chest anyway.

"They are just boobs Cody, and don't the rest of you just sit there pretending you all don't know already." I snapped as I got up from the table and grabbed my robe.

"Lou I haven't told them. What Danielle told me did not leave that room." I looked to Teaspoon thankful for one thing, then I thought of the look Jimmy had given me when I had mentioned that Davies was the one who attacked Danielle, and the fact that Teaspoon had spoken to Jimmy that same night.

"Are you sure Teaspoon, Jimmy seems to know something." I asked accusingly, I did not want anyone knowing about that sick man.

"Jimmy knows the basics Lou." I watched as Jimmy swung his head in Teaspoons direction. He obviously thought he knew it all. "Honey surely you can see why I worried," Teaspoon told be ignoring the cold looks he was getting from Jimmy.

"I can Teaspoon, but it was my worry to share, please don't keep anything from me."

"So are you going to tell us what was said?" Cody asked slopping into his breakfast.

"NO," Teaspoon and I said in unison.

"It aint important," Teaspoon started to which I looked up at Buck to see he was looking at me. "But what you do need to know is that Scott works, or worked for Lou's father."

"Her father being a notorious gun runner," Noah added,

"Yes, her father being a gun runner. Please Lou for my sanity you cannot be alone, not for a minute while you aren't here."

"You don't need to watch me Teaspoon. Hank and his men are at work, and I always seem to be with one of you at every other time of the day, hell I never get time alone." I joked knowing that I really didn't mind any of their attention

"There isn't going to be many of us around this week Teaspoon." Kid told Teaspoon. Teaspoon looked like he had no clue to what Kid was on a bout.

"Noah and I are taking Rachel to see her cousin. Ike's got a three day ride but I think he's the only one scheduled this week."

"That's right, I forgot that was happening." Teaspoon said still with his eyes on me.

"I could move into the saloon..." I started,

"NO," everyone else said in the room, even Rachel.

"Why not? That way I can work and then..."

"No," They repeated a lot calmer then last time.

"Ok, jeez, I was only trying to help. I mean it is not like this doesn't include me."

"Jimmy and Buck will stay with you during the day or when you're at work, Cody and I will look out for you at night."

"Teaspoon I really think you're being dramatic over this, I mean he hasn't tried anything."

"Maybe so, but I would rather be safe than sorry."

We finished breakfast, and then I headed to the main house with Rachel to take my bath and catch up with her.

We may live yards from each other but it felt like we never saw one another. I shared with her what Danielle told me.

"What do you think he wants?"

"I have no idea Rachel. He obviously remembers me from when I was with my father, but there were so many men back then that worked for him, I don't think I would remember what anyone looked like now."

"I know you hate the idea of the boys watching over you, but you didn't see how miserable they all were when you were missing. Let them fuss Louise, let them try and make up for not being able to do what they didn't do back then."

"What was that?"

"Protect you, save you."

"There was no way they could have Rachel, they shouldn't feel bad about that."

"But they do love. They constantly worry about you, especially Teaspoon. He thinks of you as his daughter, let him in, let him be that for you."

"Rachel I have never thought about that before. I don't have a very good track record in the father department."

"I can only imagine Louise. But Teaspoon is a good man, a gentle man and he wants to be there for you."

Rachel and I seemed to talk the day away as she prepared for her trip. I kind of wished I could go with her. Things were too intense around here.

As we talked I really wanted to blurt out what I was feeling for Buck and Jimmy, but I was embarrassed. Would she think that I was disgusting loving two men? I didn't want her to look at me any different than what she did now, so I kept quiet.

* * *

><p>Three days had been and gone, and thankfully have done so without a hitch. I had hoped that Davies saw that I had plenty of people around me for him to even dream about doing anything. But did that mean that he would inform my father where I was?<p>

"Lou?" Jimmy asked, half laughing in amusement.

"What?"

"I have been calling your name for the last minute, where were you right now?" He asked, with Buck standing next to him.

"I was just thinking," I told them as I closed the door on Lightning's stall.

We all headed out of the barn, finished for the day.

"So what's the plan for cooking tonight? Buck asked as we started to make our way back to the bunkhouse.

"I could cook something." I suggested causing Jimmy and Buck to fall over themselves with other options.

"Well why don't we go out for a meal, I mean we never do that." We could meet Teaspoon and Cody at the restaurant, Jimmy suggested as he opened the door to the bunkhouse, revealing four men going through all of our things.

"What in the hell are you doing in here?" Jimmy yelled catching the men of guard.

Buck tried pushing me behind him but it was too late the four men charged us.

I quickly grabbed the lamp from the table and threw it hard towards the one who was advancing on me.

I could hear Jimmy and Buck going toe to toe with the other men, but I didn't dare look and take my eye off the one who was coming at me.

I was concerned for the boys as they were outnumbered, and I knew it was because of me that this was happening. Davies must have told my father I was here.

The man advanced on me again but this time I used the table trying to dodge and play with him, stalling, until one of the boys could help me.

In the corner of my eye I saw Buck being thrown to the corner of the room, and that is all it took. My concern for him once again over shadowed my concern for me.

My capturer had me from behind. I squirmed and kicked my way free, but just as I was taking advantage of my new found freedom I was knocked in the head from the side, and my legs were kicked out from under me.

"Don't you fucken' touch her," Jimmy roared.

A kick to my stomach had me crying out in pain, I swear his boots were made from lead. Buck jumped on the one who had just kicked me and I scrambled the best I could towards the table. My stomach was hurting and my vision was still adjusting from the knock to me head.

I slid under the table trying to hide underneath it, but hands on my ankles had me being pulled out from under it. "LET ME GO," I screamed as I tried to kick him where I could. "LET ME GO!" I was starting to stress, thinking that we were all done for.

"LOU," I heard one of my boys yell, but my mind was in fight mode that I couldn't make out who it was.

The one that had me dragged me along the floor, I tried grabbing a hold of things to use as leverage, but he would stomp on my hand, making me release my hold.

I saw Jimmy being knocked down and was repeatedly being kicked and punched. "JIMMY," I screamed in pain, as I watched him being beaten. His eyes turned to me, which was a bad thing as they were not on the one who was attacking him.

"NO, STOP YOUR HURTING HIM," I yelled as my capturer started pulling me up.

Buck was somewhere close, I could hear him, but I couldn't see him.

The man that had me placed me on my knees and grabbed my chin, "You look like your mother," was all he said as he punched me not once but twice in the face.

Blood clouded my vision as the man picked me up and started to the door with me. I tried looking over his shoulder but I could not see anything and what scared me the most was I could not hear anything either.

Were they dead? Had they killed Jimmy and Buck.

"Why can't I hear you?" I slurred out, losing myself to darkness.

The door was thrown open, and two gun shots were fired.

I was thrown to the ground, hearing Cody and Teaspoon's voices.

I looked beside me relieved to see Jimmy moving slightly, but Buck was so still, it scared me.

"Buck," I whimpered as darkness over took me.

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><p>Would love to know who you think Lou should be with, Buck, Jimmy or maybe both? Pick a name tell me your reasoning and you may just change my mind.<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**I do not own the Young Riders**

**I'm so sorry. My computer decided to shit itself the day after I posted the last chapter and I have only just got it back, not only that I had all my up and coming chapters on there that are now gone.**

**So please give me a week or so to try and get some of my stuff up to date. The only good thing is I write everything down in a book, before writing it on the computer. I find it is easier that way as with three little kids I barely have time to turn a computer on, but I find I have some spear minutes here and there, waiting for the school bell, at sports practice, or even when I'm cooking tea, I write all my ideas and plots down. So any who, I have notes to go back to, so I hope it won't take long to type out and post this story and the others.**

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><p>Jimmy<p>

I sat in between a man that I loved like a brother, and the woman that held my heart alone. Buck had suffered a large gash to the back of his head, and has been out to it for over a day.

The Doctor was positive that he will recover, but couldn't be sure until Buck woke. I knew the fact that he hadn't opened his eyes yet had the Doc more than a little concerned, but I kept that observation to myself.

I looked over to where Lou lay asleep on the spare bed. She, although bruised and sore, is fine. I watched as her head turned from side to side, as a groan and a whimper came from her mouth. I could see she was in pain, and made a mental note to let the Doc know.

Her eyes fluttered open, I watch as her eyes scan the room trying to remember where she is. As soon as they spy Buck, she struggles off of the bed, and walks over to where I sit.

I open my arms for her, to which she takes as an invitation to sit in my lap. Of course that is exactly where I want her, so I don't complain.

No words are spoken between us, as she lean's her head back on my shoulder, and reaches a hand out to touch Buck's.

I kiss the side of her head loving her so much that it actually physically hurts me to be away from her. She will never understand just how much she means to me, as I will never quite understand it either.

The need to touch her and feel her scares me. The way she moves, the way she laughs and the way she thinks has me enticed. I want to kiss her, hold her, and make sweet love to her.

I have never had that before.

I have lusted and I have fucked but I have never loved or made love. She makes me a better man; she has me believing that I am a better man.

And I am not alone in those thoughts, I know I'm not. I have seen the look in her eye when she sees me. I see the way she lights up when I walk into a room. I know that she feels something for me too.

But as I look at the way she caresses Buck's hand in hers, and as I look down at the look of concern and devotion on her face as she looks to Buck, I am reminded that I do not hold her heart alone.

And I thought I was ok with that. I mean I really think that Buck is a great man, one who would love Lou to the end of his days, if I was not the one who could be that for her I am glad it is him. But I need to know either way.

I need to hear it from her mouth that she chooses Buck, or she chooses me, cruel, maybe, but necessary for all of us.

"Jimmy, he's going to be ok," She turned to me with her tear stained face, "Isn't he?" Her eyes looked to me for hope, they looked to me needing answers, answers that I don't have.

"Of course he is sweetheart," I tell her, hoping like hell Buck pulls through and doesn't make me a liar.

"I love him," she told me with the sweetest smile on her face, but it sent a knife right through my heart.

"I can see that," I told her, as I swallowed the hurt.

"I didn't know what it was that I was feeling, but I know now. I love him, and I love you."

"What?" Not understanding where she was going with this. She took her eyes from mine,

"I know I'm disgusting. I knew that it wasn't right to love two people at once, but I cannot help the way that I feel." She said losing her smile, "I'm scared of losing you both."

"Oh sweetheart you are not disgusting," I told her hating that she would ever feel that way about herself. "We have both told you how much we care for you. Do you seriously not see that neither of us could leave you?"

"So what one would stay and suffer by watching the other being happy? I can't and won't let either of you live like that." She snapped, suddenly angry.

"So you would rather we all live in misery and alone?" she shook her head no. I knew she didn't need this extra stress, so I decided to put an end to this needed conversation. "Stop stressing over something that should happen naturally."

She turned in my lap and smiled the best she could. Her face was so swollen and bruised. I know it must be hurting like hell.

"I'm glad you are ok," she placed her small hand on my cheek. "I don't know what I would have done if I..."

"Lou, stop. I'm ok, you're ok and Buck is pulling through," I kissed her forehead. "Now I have to go see Teaspoon for a bit, will you be alright?" I asked wanting to make sure before I leave her alone.

"Yes, I would come with you, but I don't want to leave him." She told me as she got ready to get off of my lap.

I pulled her back down and cuddled her tightly, kissing her soft skin just behind her ear. "He's going to be alright Lou, just believe it." She nodded, "Now why don't you go lay down beside him, talk to him, and maybe the sound of your voice will wake him up." I also wanted her to get some more rest.

"You think it may work?" she asked unsurely.

"Worth a try," I told her, letting her get up off my lap this time. "I will be back soon,"

"Ok," she told me as she pulled the blankets back from Buck and snuggled herself in between the sheets, instantly placing her head on his chest and arm around his waist.

With one last look, and a quiet blessing that she was ok, I made my way out of the Doctor's house.

I walked over to Teaspoons office where he and Cody were holding the three other men that attacked us.

Teaspoon shot, the forth, as he tried to escape with Lou over his shoulder. We knew that if it was her they wanted then her father was involved in this somehow, meaning that Davies had ratted out Lou's whereabouts.

I made sure my colts were ready, as I tipped my hat and hardened my face. I walked right up to the cells, ignoring Teaspoon and Cody, and drawing one of the scumbag's attention. The stupid bastard came right up to the bars and spat on me.

I grabbed his shirt and slammed his face in to the bars. "You stupid bastard," I roared as I slammed him a couple more times, before pulling out one of my colts, and placing it under his chin.

Blood dripped down his face where the cold hard metal ripped his forehead open. "Her father sent you," It wasn't a question more of a statement. The dumb bastard nodded his head.

"What does he want from her?" I questioned shooting a warning glance to the other two in the cell, who were trying to talk over us.

"He didn't tell me,"

I shoved the barrel of my gun harder into his skin, pushing his chin up further. "You're lying," I sneered, daring him to lie again.

"I swear I'm not. We were told where to find her, and to bring her home, alive, that is all." I studied his eyes, thinking that he was telling the truth, but the fact still remains that I saw him plant his boot into Lou's stomach, I aint' about to let that slide.

"You're going to die today," I told him, loving the look of sheer fear in his eyes.

"Jimmy," Teaspoon warned from behind me.

I smiled at the bastard in my hands and I pulled the trigger.

Click.

I laughed as the coward pissed his pants, and shook like a scared rat. "Oh would you look at that, I must have forgotten to load." I placed the colt back in its holster, then pulled the other one free, knowing damn well that, that one was loaded.

This time I didn't point it at the one in my hands. I aimed it at his shit of a friend who beat the hell out of Buck.

Straight away my mind went to the vision of Buck lying there on the bunkhouse floor, blood all around his head, and that terrified whimper of his name that spilled from Lou's lips.

I aimed and I fired.

"Jesus Christ," he screamed, as he clutched his bleeding knee.

"Jimmy," Teaspoon again warned,

"It's alright Teaspoon, I aint' going to kill him. _Today,_" I whispered the last part, smiling at the pain on the guys face, before slamming the one I still had in my hands, head, hard against the bars, knocking him out cold.

"Do you know anything?" I questioned the last one,

"Nnnnnoooo, I swear IIIIII don't MMMisttterr." He stuttered in fear as to what I was going to do to him.

I turned towards Teaspoon and Cody. Teaspoon wasn't happy, but Cody was grinning like a fool. "I don't think they know anything." I smiled at Teaspoon.

"Jimmy, how the hell am I going to explain this to the Marshal in St Jo?"

"Why should they care?"

"Because Jimmy they are all wanted there. Wanted for murder," The smile that grew on my face was genuine. The bastards will hang and die.

"Buck awake?" Cody asked.

"No, but Lou is." I told them seeing that they were just as concerned as I was that Buck hadn't woken yet. "The Doc seems to think he will pull through." I told them.

"We really need to talk to Lou, try and get some sort of insight on her father." I knew what her mongrel father had done to her, I didn't want her becoming upset having to talk about him, but I knew that it was necessary.

"I know, but I also know she may be reluctant to do so, so please don't push too hard, not yet."

"Is there something we should know?" Teaspoon questioned.

"Not my story to tell Teaspoon." I told him. He just nodded, looking upset that there were more chapters to Lou's life story that were not happy ones.

Cody, Teaspoon and I headed over to the Doc's house. Ike was due back at some stage today, so I hoped Buck would be awake before he got here. They were brothers in every way, except blood, and I knew that Ike will be upset seeing his brother looking so helpless.

As we walked into the room, Lou's head lifted from Buck's chest. She was so worn out, I was sure she was going to make herself sick.

"So I'm guessing Davies has told my father." Lou stated as Teaspoon, Cody and I all sat around Buck's bed. She had obviously been thinking about everything while I was gone instead of resting.

"Lou what does he want?" Teaspoon questioned.

"I don't know. I mean I always got the feeling he hated me, so God knows why he wants me back now."

"And you are sure they were your father's men?" Cody asked.

"One of them said something to me. I know it was his men."

"What did he say?" I asked looking for another reason to kill those bastards.

Lou looked up at me, "Told me I looked like my mother." She said before returning her head back on Bucks chest.

I looked at Teaspoon who was frustrated. We had nothing on Boggs, and if we had nothing it was putting us at a huge disadvantage.

"Louise honey, can you tell us anything about Boggs, anything at all."

"There isn't much, I mean you know he's a gun runner, you know he's an evil man, I don't know what else I can tell you."

"Tell us where he is." Cody all but demanded.

"No."

"Lou..."

"No." Cody threw his hands up, looking ready to push Lou further, but I kicked his leg shaking my head no when he looked at me.

"Remember when you came to get me from the Indians?" We all nodded at her like she was crazy. None of us will ever forget that.

"You said that you would go and get the guns they wanted. I told you 'no'. I didn't want you to in case it meant that you would have to deal with him, the biggest gun runner in the west, my father. He's poison. I don't ever want any of you near him." As she told us this I could see something strange and final cross her features.

What was she up too?

I knew that she was planning something stupid, and I had a hunch what that could be.

"Don't you dare do it Lou," I told her.

She had the nerve to look like she didn't know what I was on about. "Don't you do it," I told her again.

"What?" She and Cody asked at the same time.

"I can see it in your eyes, you're planning on running." Lou slid out of the bed and walked over to the window, avoiding everyone's eyes.

"Don't be absurd, where would I go?"

"I have no idea, but I know it aint' anywhere good." I told her before I continued on with the conversation about her father.

"You told Buck and me about when you ran away you had to hide, 'cos you knew you're father would come after..." Teaspoon cut me off there, but not before Cody butted in.

"What the hell did he do to you?"

"What Cody is trying to ask, is why did you feel like you had to hide?" Teaspoon asked eyeing Cody with annoyance.

"Because no one left him, he wouldn't allow it."

"You made a fool of him. What do you think he wants?" I asked.

"Retribution?" she asked unsure that, that would be it.

"Would you all shut up, my head is killing me." Bucks voice rasped out behind us all.

"Buck," Lou cried in surprise as she ran over to the bed. "You scared me," she wrapped her arms around Buck, and while we could all see that it hurt him in doing so, he wrapped his around her.

"Sorry I scared you." He smiled into her hair.

Lou pulled back so she could get a better look. "Are you sore? Do you need anything?" she asked.

Buck's features dropped as he took in the state of Lou's bruised face.

"Are they dead?" he asked me, meeting mine, and the others eyes.

"One is. The others are locked up." I knew what Buck was thinking, as they were my thoughts as well. They should all be dead.

"They are set to hang." I told him, seeing a small smile tug at his lips at the news.

"Welcome back son," Teaspoon said with relief written over his features.

"Thanks Teaspoon. I have no idea what happened after I was hit. Can someone fill me in?" Lou sat on the edge of the bed while the rest of us filled him in on what he had missed.

I was glad he was going to be ok.

After a while he fell asleep, but the Doctor was pleased with his progress. Lou wanted to stay again tonight, so I said I would head over and bring her some fresh clothes and something to eat. I couldn't remember the last time she ate anything, and she couldn't afford to lose any weight, as she was still trying to put it on from when she was taken.

I was just about to walk back into the room, where Buck and Lou were sleeping, when a noise had my hand stalling on the handle. I listened carefully to hear that the sound was more of a moan, a pleasurable one at that. I carefully turned the knob and pushed the door open just ajar, so I could see if my suspicions were indeed true.

I could see Lou's body laying a top of Buck's. He had one of his hands in her hair as the other caressed her back and hips, as they continued to kiss passionately.

I slipped away from the door having seen enough. I wiped my hand over my face not believing what it was I just saw.

I placed the bag of stuff I had in my other hand on the floor by the bedroom, as I made my way out of the Doctors house.

I seemed to stumble out to the street, dazed and confused to what it was I should be feeling.

"He awake?" Cody's voice asked, with a concerned Ike behind him.

I shook my head no, before asking Ike if he had just rode in.

"Came straight here when Cody told me, is he going to be alright?" Ike signed, his concern still plastered over his face.

"He's going to be good, just tired is all. Now I have a few things I want to discuss with Teaspoon, Do you two want to come? It concerns us all." I told them wanting to put as much distance between me and that room.

"Yeah ok," Cody asked as we started to make our way to Teaspoon's office.

"Rachel, Noah and Kid rode in just as we were leaving to come here. Rachel was going to get sorted then make her way over to see Lou and Buck." I nodded that I had heard Cody, but all I was thinking about was what I had just seen.

I felt sick, hurt, happy, so fucken' hurt. I didn't know how to act or what I was going to say to either of them when I saw them next.

"And Kid has bought his girlfriend here." I could hear the humour in Cody's voice.

"You met her?" Actually happy to hear what he had to say. I wanted to take my mind off of Lou and Buck.

"She's Kid, but in a dress." I laughed at the way Cody described her.

"What do you mean by that?" I laughed.

"Southern, proper," he begun, but I cut him off,

"She pretty?"

Ike nodded his approval.

"To pretty for Kid," Cody laughed, "Such a waist."

"You're an asshole."

Ike punched Cody's shoulder, as we continued to laugh. Walking into Teaspoon's office I see that the bastards are still there.

"What the hell Teaspoon, I thought they were meant to be long gone."

"Not till morning now. What brings you boy's here?"

"I think we should go outside," I indicated with my eyes to his prisoners, "I don't want extra ears on this."

The boys all followed my lead and we all headed out the door.

"What you thinking Hickok?" Cody questioned.

"I'm going to hunt down Lou's father, maybe get close enough to find out what it is he really wants."

"You think that's wise? I mean Lou was adamant that she didn't want her father anywhere near us."

"I know, but it is the only thing I can think of." And it was the only reason I could think of to get away for a while without making it look like I was running away, cos' let's face it, that is exactly what I was doing.

"She's not going to like it Jimmy."

"She aint' going to find out, Cody," I knew he was right but I needed to be a little selfish. As much as I was happy for Buck and Lou, it still hurt. I needed to do this for me. I needed a distraction, and some distance. "I'll tell her I'm going to see my sister or something."

"Something going on between the two of you?" Ike signed with a knowing look.

"Or three of you," Cody muttered under his breath.

"What the fuck is that suppose to mean?" I snapped in his direction.

"I'm not blind Jimmy. I see the way things have changed between the three of you. The way you look at each other, talk with each other, it aint right."

"By whose standard's Cody" I asked with a warning tone for him to watch what he says.

"Every one's Hickok. Three people, it's not right."

"That is not what's going on." I defended. Pleased Lou wasn't listening to this.

"Maybe not, but it is what people see." Cody added.

"Well then another reason as to why I should leave." I told him, not needing anymore grief I walked off, but Teaspoon called me to stop.

"I'm doing this Teaspoon," I told him.

"Alright, but as long as you tell Lou."

"I will tell her I'm leaving, but I will not tell her where, and neither will anyone else."

"You going out there with an attitude is asking for trouble." He told me, but I didn't care, I was going.

"Teaspoon I don't have an attitude, I just want to sort this out so Lou doesn't have to watch over her shoulder for the rest of her life."

Teaspoon got where I was coming from and so we sat and devised a plan. I asked that he and the boys not tell Lou. I didn't need her to play the hero and come find me, taking her closer to her father.

As I was walking back to the station I saw the back of Rachel heading in the same direction with Lou by her side. I looked over to the Doc's house seeing that there was a light flickering behind the drapes, so Buck had to be still awake.

I wondered over slowly, not wanting to have this conversation, but needing to get it all out before I leave.

"Hi Jimmy," Buck said as he tried sitting up.

"I saw the two of you." I blurted out. His eyes widened for a second, but he soon recovered as he got comfortable.

"I want to say sorry, but I'm not. And I don't mean that in a harsh way Jimmy."

"I know."

"I love her Hickok, you know that.

"I do Buck," I looked out the window knowing I will regret this one day soon.

"That is why I will step aside."

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't love her as much as you." I lied.

"I can see how much it pains you to say that. Tell me the truth Jimmy."

"She loves you."

"And you," he reminded me.

"I can't be that for her. I'm no good, trouble follows me. She has had enough trouble in her life time, I won't add to it."

"Trouble follows us all. Don't you think I don't stress about the stigma that will follow her if she were to be with me, a half breed."

"Don't you fucken' dare. Lou doesn't give a shit about any of that, and neither should you. You are a good man Buck, and any person who says otherwise will answer to me, and Lou."

"I could say the same to you Jimmy."

"But you can't can you? While you're scared that she will be called awful names, I'm worried that I will hear my name being called, to turn around and see some asshole with a gun to her head. There is a big difference."

"Shouldn't Lou decide who she wants to be with? I don't want to win by default."

"It wouldn't be by default. Her love for you is true, she is confused and if I'm not here she will see you clearly. Though I know she already see's it." I looked at Buck wondering one thing.

"Can you live knowing she loves me too?"

"I could if I knew it wasn't acted upon." I thought about that for a minute.

"Of course it wouldn't be Buck, not on my side anyway." I would never pursue Lou unless she told me that is what she wanted.

"It don't feel right, not like this." He said shaking his head and readjusting himself in the bed.

"Did it this morning, when your hands were all over her body?"

"Yeah it did." He smiled sincerely.

"Then hold onto that."

After promising Buck that I would talk to Lou first before making any promises, I went to go and find her.

She was sitting on a large rock that lay behind the barn. She was looking out to the horizon, smiling as her finger tips ghosted over the soft spot behind her ear. Was she remembering the small kiss I placed there?

And when her fingers travelled around to touch her lips, I knew she was thinking about her and Buck. I also noticed how her smile grew as she closed her eyes lost in the memory.

"You love him," I stated as I sat down next to her.

"You know I do, just as I love you."

"I know you do sweetheart, and that knowledge is enough for me. It will always be enough for me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm stepping aside Lou. I'm going to give you and Buck the chance to find out what you two have."

"But why?"

"Buck loves you more than me Lou." I lied, hating the hurt that crossed her eyes.

"You're lying," She spat as she got off the rock and took a step closer to me, "I know you're lying Jimmy so stop the bullshit."

"Lou I saw the two of you this afternoon."

"You saw that?" She asked sounding kind of saddened at the fact. I gave her a small nod, not wanting to make a huge deal over it.

"I see the way he looks at you, and just now I saw the way your face lit up when your mind took you back to that moment. Deep down Buck is the one, and I think you know that. So do you think it would be fare for me to keep my hopes up?"

"If that is the way you feel Jimmy, I'm sorry. I was not trying to string you along or anything, and I hate that that is exactly what I have done." I smiled and I nodded, as her words were sincere. Lou didn't have a malicious bone in her body.

"I'm riding out in the morning,"

"What? Riding out where?" her anger shining through the tone in her voice. "You promised me that you would always be here for me, no matter who I was with." She reminded me.

"I did," I answered, knowing damn well that I had.

"You did. So why are you leaving?" she asked raising her eyebrows, daring me to lie.

"I'm not leaving," I challenged before thinking better of it. "Well I'm leaving but I promise you it is not forever, I will come back."

"I don't believe you Jimmy. I got this feeling inside of me that tells me this is it. This is the last time I'll be seeing you."

I rushed up to her, scaring her slightly as I knew my eyes were wild. I grabbed either side of her face, as I bought my face down to hers.

"I will be back, I promise you I will. I just need to clear my head, and I need to see my sister, so it all works out."

She looked at me defiantly.

"You need to do something for me," I added, hoping like hell she would listen to me.

"I don't have to do anything."

"Yeah you do honey. You need to take care of yourself, and let the boys and Teaspoon take care of you."

"You're saying goodbye," she cried shaking her head free of my hands.

"Listen, I'm not."

"You are, and I want to know why." I went to tell her but she cut me off. "If me being with Buck makes you leave, then I choose no one." I went to say something but she screamed at me. "I CHOOSE NO ONE!"

"Don't be childish Lou."

"Fuck you Jimmy."

"Lou Buck is a great man, one who will take care of you, love you and protect you. You deserve that, I can sleep with that. But I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't hurt, because it does. Do I not deserve to get away and get my feelings in check? Do I not deserve a chance at finding love for myself?"

"But I love you."

"Not as much as Buck."

"You don't know that, hell I don't know that."

"Lou I have told you I'm leaving, I have told you that I love you and I have given you my blessing to be with Buck. Not once have you said no, I choose you. You love Buck more and that is how it is." I watched as realisation dawned on her features. I was right and she was just figuring it out.

"That maybe so, but he doesn't own my heart out right."

"Then my leaving is a good thing. Buck should own your whole heart, he is a good man, he deserves that, with me gone maybe you will see that too."

"You promised me that none of you will leave." She looked up at the sky before turning her saddened eyes back to me.

"I'll go. You and Buck have jobs here you can't turn your back on the boys and Teaspoon."

"Lou you will not be going anywhere, do you hear me?"

"I don't believe you. I don't believe you would do this." She said, breaking my heart with every tear that fell from her eyes.

"Do what Lou? I'm not doing this to hurt you." She gave me a look that clearly said otherwise, "You think that I would do that?" I gave her a chance to say no, but she didn't. "So you want me around to watch the two of you together? To watch the touching, the kisses, and all the sweet nothings whispered in each other's ears? I'm leaving so I don't hurt."

She let out a regretful wail.

"Lou, you have made the right choice, please don't be saddened, be happy that you have found that."

"Jimmy I truly believe that I could have that with you too. As much as you tell me that Buck is the better man, I believe that you are just as good." She sat back down on the Rock, "But you are right, my heart is more with Buck, and I think it has been right from the start." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve before continuing.

"But you were wrong about one thing. My heart will never be owned out right, he may own the majority of it but you own what is left." Her shoulders shook, as sobs raked through her body.  
>"I don't want you to leave. I want to be selfish and I want to have you with me as well. Please Jimmy I am begging you, don't leave me, don't leave us."<p>

"It won't be forever Lou?"

"Please don't do this." She whimpered, making it really hard for me not to go to her. I was afraid that if I held her in my arms for another second, I would lose whatever resolve that I had.

"I have to Lou,"

She cried as she nodded her head. "If you come back I hope you can look at me like you use to."

"And how was that?"

"Without the hurt, and as a friend," she told me as her body shook in sobs.

"Not a sister?"

"No I think our connection is much stronger than that. I could never look to you in a way of a brother, but I do believe you are somewhere between a Best friend and a lover." Something strange crossed her face.

"What is it?" I questioned.

"I don't know,"

"Don't hold back now Lou. You can tell me anything."

"The thought of never having you like that hurts. There have been times I have thought of you and me as lovers, I can't imagine never having that with you."

"You can't have it both ways honey. You have made the right choice." She leant over and kissed my cheek.

"I do love you James Butler Hickok," I closed my eyes engraving the feel of her lips on my skin. "Be careful and come back to us."


	9. Chapter 9

**I do not own the Young Riders.**

**This chapter is a roller coaster to say the least. There is fluff, sex, fights, and deception, and it is all to spread out between a three month period, so hopefully that comes across and doesn't confuse any one.**

**I wanted to also point out that even thought Buck and Lou are together it will not be easy. Their biggest problem will be Buck's trust when it comes to Lou and Jimmy.**

* * *

><p>Lou<p>

Tears flooded my vision as I walked around the streets. I didn't know where I wanted to be, or who I wanted to see. Of course my heart was screaming for my body to take itself to Buck, but I felt like I couldn't go there, not just yet.

I felt like I was grieving a loss. And I had in a way. I had just lost my best friend, and I had a feeling that I would not see him again.

I looked over to the saloon, thinking that I could go and talk with Danielle, but I wasn't in the mood to put on a fake smile.

Could I go to Buck and cry on his shoulder about another man? I have never kept it a secret that I cared for them both, so the news wouldn't come as a shock to him. And perhaps if Buck knew how I was feeling, then he would know that my love for him is true.

With having made up my mind I wandered over to the Doc's. I let myself in and walked into the room where Buck was laying in his bed.

"Lou?" Buck questioned as he tried sitting up. The sobbing started straight away.

"He's gone." I cried as I walked closer to Buck's bed.

"Who's gone?"

"Jimmy, he's gone." Buck didn't seem so surprised about that.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Honestly?" to which Buck nodded.

"Sad, angry, hurt and relieved, I don't know you pick one."

Doing just that he said, "Sad,"

"I love him. He's my best friend and a part of me. Now he's gone and he's taken a part of me with him."

"Angry?"

"I'm angry at him and me. I'm angry at him for leaving, after he promised me he wouldn't. And I'm angry at myself for being the reason that he felt like he had to leave."

"Hurt?"

"Because he lied to me."

"How so?" He asked.

"He told me that no matter who I chose to be with, the other wouldn't leave."

"Relieved?"

"I never want to see him hurt. I know he says he would be alright with you and I being together, but I saw the hurt on his face, and the thought of seeing that everyday hurts."

"Are you sure that it is me you want?" Buck then asked.

"I promise you that I want nothing more than to be with you. I love you more than anything or anyone else." Something crossed my mind. What if he didn't want to be with me? I mean I think he does but maybe with my past he is having second thoughts.

"Are you sure you want to be with me? After everything you know and seen about me." Buck threw the blankets off of him and started to get up and out of the bed.

I wasn't sure he should being getting up, but he seemed steady on his feet. I got up off the bed as well and stood in front of him.

He picked me up and I instantly wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me over to the table. Placing my ass atop of the table he stayed between my legs, with his hands now on either side of my face. It was taking everything in me to not thrust my hips into his.

"I fell in love with you the moment you stupidly placed your life on the line just to save mine. No one has ever thought that I was worth a damn, well no women anyway."

"But you never said anything."

"Lou you called me a brother. I thought that, that was the only way you could think of me, in a brotherly way. I never imagined you would love me in any other manor, so I never told you."

"Buck I didn't know what love was. I had never been in love before, nor has anyone ever loved me. I didn't know what it was that I was feeling."

"And now?"

"I know that I am in love with you, more than I love anyone else." Buck smiled, leaning in and kissing me.

I could get lost in his kisses.

"I love you too Lou." He told me as he pulled back. I felt like I had to be completely honest with him when it came to Jimmy. I didn't want anything or anyone to come between us, so I had to tell him about the way I feel about Jimmy too.

"Buck I love him too."

"I know." He said slightly deflated.

"How does that work? I mean...I don't know what I mean."

"If you want to be with me," I nodded my head yes, "Then I have to trust that you won't go to him in any way but as that of a friend." Buck kissed me, but the sound of the Doc coming in had us pulling apart.

I smiled as I helped Buck back to the bed.

The Doctor came in and checked Buck over saying that it would be ok for him to go home tomorrow, but any sign of dizziness and he had to come back.

* * *

><p>For the next month Buck and I spent all of our spare time with each other, which was a lot as Teaspoon kept him of the schedule for the last few weeks wanting to make sure that Buck was definitely ok.<p>

The first couple of weeks were hard, as my thoughts would quite often turn to Jimmy. But it was not because I had thought that I had made the wrong decision, but I missed him.

I missed him terribly. I look at his empty bunk at night, his empty spot at the supper table and I hate that he is missing from either one of them.

Rachel had noticed that I was missing him, and she suggested that I write him a letter. Thinking that it wasn't a good idea, as Jimmy had said he wanted time alone, I decided that I would write his sister and ask if he was safe and ok.

Kid was courting a southern belle, who was the sweetest thing. It was nice having another girl around, and I hoped that the other boys would soon open their hearts to the possibility of love as well.

Love.

I smile as I say that. I never imagined loving anyone as much as I love Buck. He is my everything. The reason I wake up in the morning, the reason for every smile on my face.

"Hello beautiful," Buck whispered in my ear, pulling me away from my thoughts and the dishes, as his hands snaked around my waist from behind. I felt the most euphoric sensation in my lower stomach at his touch.

"You want to take a ride with me?" He asked, "I'm leaving for a two day ride tomorrow," He told me as if to convince me to go.

"I need no convincing. I would love to go riding with you." I threw the cloth to the side of the bench. "I'll just go saddle Lightning."

"No I want you to ride on Stormrider with me." He told me as he pulled me to where his mount awaited.

So with Buck behind me, we rode off into the horizon. I didn't ask where we were going, as I didn't care. I was happy just to have Buck with me. I felt safe and I was happy.

Before I knew it Buck had pulled us to a halt. I took a look at our surroundings to see that we were at a small meadow, filled with wild flowers and long grass. There were sounds of a gentle stream trickling in the distance and large rocks and trees surrounded most of the outskirts making us seem secluded.

"Why Buck, I think you wanted me all to yourself." I said seductively.

Buck dismounted and pulled me down with him, kissing the side of my head as he did so. "That is exactly what I wanted." He told me confidently.

I turned in Buck's arms, brushing his hair away from his face, loving the smile that started playing on his lips. He was so handsome that he physically took my breath away.

His hands sat on my hips, it wasn't enough for me.

I leant in and I kissed him softly at first on his lips, but my need for him took over and our kisses became more powerful.

His strong hands roamed my body. Humming in delight I threw my head back closing my eyes and allowing my senses to take over.

His lips kissed down my neck, as his hips thrust just so slightly into my heated centre. I wanted him and I knew he wanted me too. Well I was pretty sure he did.

My hands came between us and my shaky hands began to undo his buttons. I could feel his smile widen on the skin of my neck as I finished with the last button. I ran my palms up his naked torso and seeped his shirt from his body.

His lips moved back up my neck and rested over my ear.

"I want you," He whispered.

"You can have me," I said breathlessly.

Our clothes became a mess on the ground. We stood there taking the sight of each other's nakedness in.

"Buck,"

"You're beautiful," He told me picking me up and carrying me to a patch of grass. He lowered himself and I to the ground, his weight on me excited me beyond my wildest dreams.

He leant down and kissed my lips, my jaw, down my neck and finally they captured one of my already hardened nipples in his mouth. My hands flew to his hair, as my head flew back into the lush grass.

His hand slid between my legs as his mouth took over my other nipple. I widened my legs as one of his long fingers slid between my lower lips.

"Buck, please," I panted as I bucked myself into his hand.

His fingers explored my lower lips, rubbing, sliding and circling my most sensitive spot, but it was not where I wanted him. I needed him inside of me.

"Buck," I whined.

"What do you need?" He asked smugly, obviously knowing what it was I wanted.

"You, inside of me," I told him unashamedly.

"Not yet," he smiled. He knew what he was doing to me and he loved it.

He lowered his body down mine, taking his hands away from my lower half to spread my legs further apart. With a lustful smile he lowered his mouth down to my woman hood.

"What..." Is all I got out as his wet cool tongue licked where his fingers had just been. "Buck...I..." his mouth sucked in my bundle of nerves, as a finger came up and slipped inside of me. "Buck,"

My legs wrapped around his head as my hands stayed in his hair. I felt like screaming, as my body withered in ecstasy.

Slowly I felt him enter another finger, causing me to sing out louder than the birds that rested in the trees.

One of his hands came up and pulled at my nipple, making it all too much to bear. My grip tightened in his hair as I came with a shudder and a moan.

"Buck, please," I cried desperately once again.

This time he did not deny me. His tongue left my centre and licked its way up my torso, flicking over my nipples, before taking my mouth with his.

"Mmmm" we both moaned together. I could taste myself on him, and I think that idea appealed to us both.

"I love you," he whispered on my lips, to which I responded with, I love you too.

Buck aligned his man hood, rubbing the tip of him through my lips before entering me slowly. His eyes watched me carefully as he pushed his way in.

Tears fell from my eyes as the feeling of being so close to him consumed me. We moved with each other slowly at first but all of a sudden a raw need took both of us over.

That afternoon was spent exploring each other, loving each other, making it hard to leave that spot. We couldn't be like this in the bunkhouse, or anywhere really, and that thought made me sad, but it also made me hungry to enjoy it as much as we could now.

* * *

><p>The morning came all too quickly and I was standing holding Stormriders' reins. "You keep him safe," I whispered into the horses' ear.<p>

Buck came out, and it took a lot of control for me to say goodbye. I wished that I could go with him.

After saying goodbye to Buck, I helped Rachel out around the station. I had an hour to fill before my shift at the saloon, so I quickly wrote another small letter to Jimmy's sister asking if he was ok. I hated not having him home, and I hated that my last letter had gone unanswered.

I tried not to think too much of it, but the thought of something happening to him was starting to play on my mind.

My shift at the saloon was full on to say the least. But had a nice surprise when Ike came in and had supper with me. He and Buck were close, and I wondered if I was taking too much of Buck's time away from Ike. When Buck got back I made a promise to myself to make sure Buck and Ike got some man time.

I sighed in relief as I walked out of the saloon. And while I wasn't going home to Buck, I was going home to bed. My feet were killing me, and my head was starting to ache. I longed for peace and quiet.

Walking home in the dark had never really bothered me in the past, but since Davies and the attack of the other men, it had me a bit on edge.

Of course the feeling of being watched didn't help the matter either. I was starting to think that maybe I should turn and head back to the Marshal's office instead of continuing on to the station.

"Suck it up Lou," I told myself as I thought about my bed.

I took a look around and quickened my pace. I wasn't about to let the fear rule me.

As I came closer to the station, a large figure caught my attention. I spun my head in that direction to see an Indian man watching me from a far.

At first I was scared and taken back some. I studied the figure for a bit, deciding if I should panic and run or if I should go see what he wants. He didn't look like he was here for trouble, and in fact his presence was quite inviting.

I started walking closer keeping my eyes on his. There was something familiar about him.

"Red Bear?" I questioned taking a step closer. I remembered him only just, as I was so tired when we first meet. Jimmy and Buck had filled me in on what had happened and I was grateful for Red Bears help.

"You remember me little one?" He asked confirming that indeed it was him.

"Kind of," I smiled as I stood in front of him.

"You're not scared?" He asked as he looked me over.

"I have no reason to be. If I remember rightly you helped me."

"I did," he nodded, "But if I remember rightly, people that share the same colour skin as me wronged you."

"They were nothing like you. And people of the same colour skin as me, have wronged me as well, our skin colour does not matter." His eyes seemed weary at that.

"You say this because of Buck?"

"Yes and no. I have never looked at Buck's skin only his heart." I told him truthfully. Smiling as Buck's face crossed my mind. It has only been a few hours but I miss him dearly.

"You and him are one?" How in the hell did he know that?

I had no reason to lie to this man so I told him the truth.

"Yes," I said with reddened cheeks, causing him to smile brightly.

"You plan to marry in the white world?" He asked quickly.

"I don't know." I honestly haven't thought about that and I didn't know if it was something that I wanted or Buck for that matter. All I needed was to feel loved and I did.

"Is he here?"

"No he is out on a run. He should be back the day after tomorrow." The sound of the Bunkhouse door opening had me looking that way.

"Lou?" Kid called out spotting me and Red Bear.

"I'm alright Kid," I yelled out, but Kid decided to sit on the step of the porch all the same.

"He does not trust me like you."

"He doesn't know you."

"Neither do you,"

"I know enough to know you are a good man."

Red Bear sat on the ground and gestured with his hands for me to join him. I ruffled up my saloon dress and sat in front of him.

"Tell me about Buck."

I thought about this for a minute. I could give him a run down on a lot of things but there was one big important bit of news that I thought he needed to know before anything else.

"He got hurt a wee while back. It was my fault." Red Bear frowned as he listened. "My father is a dangerous man, he sent some of his men to find me, and Buck got hurt." I felt bad for not going to Red Bear as soon as it happened. He was Buck's brother he deserved to have known earlier. "He is ok now, but he had us all scared for a while."

Red Bear looked out to the horizon. I was upset with myself for not telling him sooner. "I'm sorry," I uttered.

"For what?"

"I should have sent for you at the time he was hurt. It was serious enough to have had you there. I didn't think; I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for little one. I knew he was hurt, his spirit let me know. But just as it told me that he was hurt, it also told me that he was taken care of." He looked back to me seriously.

"Buck's father was bad."

"He was."

"Is your Father the same way?"

"No. My Father is a different bad."

He got up from the ground and started to walk away, "Will you come back?" I asked causing him to stop.

"I will, and you will come and see me." He told me like it was already set in stone.

I went to bed thinking about marriage and what Red Bear had said. I did want to be Buck's wife, and the more I thought about it the more I wanted it.

The following day I busied myself with chores and a shift at the saloon. Danielle and I were becoming fast friends, and I found I really enjoyed spending time with her. I was actually thinking about setting her up with one of the boys.

* * *

><p>Today Buck was coming home, and I was giddy just thinking about it. I spent the morning in the bath, and Rachel helped me curl my hair. Now that it was a lot longer I found that it took a lot more work. I chose a pink and white dress to wear and I sat on the end of the porch waiting and watching the horizon.<p>

As soon as the sight of Stormrider came into my line of vision, I stood and waited hoping that Buck wasn't too tired to spend some time with me.

He dismounted and Ike was quick to lead Stormrider to the barn. I must remember to thank him. I stepped off the porch and ran into Buck's awaiting arms.

"I missed you," I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

"I need to go away more often just to get this reception." He said kissing me back.

"Don't you dare." I said slapping his shoulder playfully. "Take me to our special place?" I asked.

"I need to clean up," he told me, making me pout. "How about you come with me, tell me what you have been doing these last couple of days without me."

I agreed and helped him gather his clean clothes, and walked with him to the back of the barn where Teaspoon had made a shower.

"So what's been happening?" He asked, as he took his clothes off.

"Um...you know you're not making this easy on me?" I said pointing to his state of undress. He just laughed as he stepped into the stream of water.

"I actually had a visit from your brother,"

"Red Bear?"

"Yes, unless you have any others I don't know about?" I sassed.

"What did he want?"

"Just to talk I think. He asked after you, and I told him about you getting hurt. I actually felt bad that I didn't go and get him while you were at the Doc's." I told Buck.

"I wouldn't have wanted you too."

"What do you mean by that?" I snapped, not really meaning to, but I didn't like the thought of anyone telling me what I can and can't do.

"Lou please don't sound like that, I would never tell you what you can and can't do, but the thought of you trying to find Red Bear doesn't sit right with me."

"But he's your brother,"

"I know Lou. And he knows who you are, but his soldiers may not. They could kill you before you even got close. They don't know you from friend or enemy."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok."

"That easy?" he asked with a smirk.

"I can see you are serious about this. I don't want to cause you to worry, just like I wouldn't want you to put yourself in danger for me."

"Well that's a little different,"

"It better not be I'm a girl you're a man bullshit." He laughed out loud, so I knew that it was.

"What else did he say?" He asked changing the subject.

"Not much, we just talked. He knows that you and I are together, is that ok?" I quickly asked hoping that I hadn't over stepped the boundaries.

"Of course it is. If I could I would tell the world." Buck smiled as he placed his head under the stream. God I loved this man.

"I wrote another letter to Jimmy." I told him, not wanting to keep anything from him.

"You did?"

"Yes, well not him exactly, but his sister. I just want to know he is safe." Buck just nodded his head in acceptance that he had heard me, but had nothing to add to the subject. I hoped that I hadn't hurt his feelings, as that really wasn't my intention.

I swallowed the sick feeling in my throat at the thought of hurting him, and asked how is ride was.

"It was good, no problems." He said coolly, his fun attitude from before, long gone.

After Buck was finished in the shower he asked if I would mind if he had a sleep. Of course I said that it was fine, but I wanted to cry. I had waited all day for him to come home. I just wanted to be with him.

I let him walk to the bunkhouse, while I stood still not knowing where it was I should go. I was all dressed up, and feeling like company. Blowing a big breath out I walked to the saloon to find Danielle.

"Hey Lou honey, you're not on today." Hank sung as I walked in the door.

"I know, just come in to see Danielle."

"She's with a suitor Lou, do you want a drink while you wait?"

I agreed and sat at the bar and started talking with Hank.

Before I knew it hours had passed and I was drunker than I had ever been. Danielle came down to join me and we laughed and talked, while Hank kept pouring us drinks.

"I tink I..." I went to stand up, but swayed a little too much, so sat back down.

"Lou, I have sent for Teaspoon or one of the boys to come and get you." Hank told me, looking a tiny bit scared that he had to do so.

I looked at Danielle and we both giggled at Hanks expression.

"Danielle, what in the hell do you think you are doing?" Martha the head lady snapped, as she and one of her goons' came over, trying to pull Danielle from her stool.

"Stop you're hurting me." Danielle cried as the goon, who I could not quite remember at the moment gripped Danielle's arm.

"I have men waiting and you're too drunk to even stand. You are costing me money." Martha sneered into Danielle's face.

"How about you go and see to them then you stupid bitch." I told her, causing her eyes to narrow at me as she took a step closer.

"Now Martha Lou doesn't mean that, she's just had a tad too much to drink." Hank quickly said.

"Hank don't you go making excuses, I meant what I said. Danielle is always working she needs a break as well."

"You see sweetheart, that's the thing with whores they are always open for business." Martha said in a sickly sweet voice.

I don't know how I thought I could connect with her face, but my fist reached out to try and hit her, missing miserably.

I watched as she pulled her fist back, I closed my eyes ready for impact, but it never came.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Cody said as he held Martha's wrist.

Martha pulled her arm free mumbling something under her breath, to which Cody replied, "Just try it, and we will see what happens."

Martha turned her back on me and started walking off. Goon boy threw Danielle over his shoulder and walked off after her.

"How much have you had to drink?" Cody asked me as his eyes scowled at Hank.

"Not much." I lied, causing Cody to tilt his head and raise his eyebrows at me. "Too much." I admitted.

"Come on then, let's get you home." I nodded my head and gave Hank a wave goodbye.

"You know Cody, you and Danielle would make a great couple." I said as we walked.

"It wouldn't work Lou." He told me, grabbing my elbow as I stumbled.

"Why? She's funny, smart, pretty."

"She is," he agreed.

"Then why? Maybe you could ask her to the next dance or picnic." I suggested.

"Leave it Lou."

"Why?"

"I just know it wouldn't work." He nearly growled.

I kept my mouth shut as we kept walking. I had no idea why it wouldn't work, and I would love to see Danielle out of that place.

I stumbled beside Cody, ignoring it every time that his hands reached out to stop me from tripping. I was angry that he wouldn't even consider the idea.

"So now you're not talking to me?" He laughed.

I didn't even hear him talking. Was I really that drunk?

"Yeah I think you are." He laughed again, making me think that I have been thinking out loud.

"Stop laughing at me." I told him.

"Sorry Lou, what has gotten you so grumpy?"

"You. I can't believe you won't even give Danielle a chance. I mean..."

"Lou I don't want a women that has been with the whole town." He said like a snooty wealthy boy.

I stopped walking, and looked at him in disgust. I never would have thought any of the boys would think like that, never in a hundred years.

"Shit, that's not what I meant." He said obviously seeing the look on my face.

"Yeah you did Cody, and I can't believe you would care. What she does doesn't make her who she is."

"Sadly it does Lou, surely you can see that."

"No all I see is the truly amazing person she is. She was handed a shit hand and she is dealing with it the best she can." I must have been raising my voice because I heard Rachel's door open, as well as the bunkhouse door.

"Lou I didn't mean to offend you or her. I ..."

"But you did. That could have been me Cody. I could have been Danielle, and you are saying that if it was then I wouldn't be worth love or happiness." I knew I was crying, as I could see that Cody's face had softened considerably.

I headed for the barn, not wanting to sleep in the bunkhouse or to have to talk to Rachel.

"Lou," Buck called out.

"What so now you want to talk to me?" I said angrily, "I only told you about the letter to Jimmy's sister because I didn't want to hide things from you, and you go all funny on me. What was that?"

"I don't know. Jealousy?"

"You told me that you trusted me when it came to him."

"I do Lou, but I was tired and when I asked you about your time I didn't want to hear that you waited for me to leave until you wrote a letter to Jimmy."

"I didn't wait for you to leave. I told you a few weeks back that I had written one, and you were here, I'm not doing it behind your back." I cried. "I feel like I need to apologise to you Buck, but I don't think I did anything wrong. Jimmy is my friend and he will always be a part of my life, hopefully our life. I won't apologise for making sure he is ok."

"I know Lou, I'm sorry for making you feel bad in doing so. But you have to look at it from my side of things. I know he loves you, and I know you have a certain love for him too, it is just going to take me a while to accept that."

"Buck you do know that my love for you is on a completely different level. I chose you, my heart body and soul wants you, not him."

"I'm sorry Lou."

"You should be; you hurt my feelings."

"Come to the bunkhouse."

Shaking my head I told him no.

"I want to be alone. I'm angry, and I'm fed up with today, I don't want to be around anyone." I just needed to sleep off the alcohol, and I would deal with all this tomorrow.

"Then I will bring you some blankets," Buck told me before heading to the bunkhouse. I could see Cody watching us but I turned my back on him.

* * *

><p>I must have passed out on the hay, cos that is where I woke up. I had a blanket over me, and I could hear the soft snores of another person.<p>

I looked around, holding my head as it ached. Buck was asleep across from me.

He had stayed.

I thought about yesterday and the mess it soon became. I did feel bad and that is probably the reason why I reacted so insane. It was clear to me that I had hurt Buck's feelings, it was not intentional but I did.

"How's the head?" Buck asked, as he roused awake.

"Better than the heart."

"I let you down." He stated.

"Not just you." I straightened myself up and walked over to where Buck lay. "Jimmy let me down by leaving in the first place. Cody let me down by his up himself attitude and I let myself down for taking it all to heart, and only seeing my side of the story."

"This is new for the both of us Lou, we are bound to have problems, we will learn together."

"Buck I don't think I could handle another day like yesterday."

"See I think you can. Hopefully you don't have to, but if it does I know you are strong enough to cope with anything." He was wrong. The thought of losing him damn near cripples me. Maybe I had to just let Jimmy go, that way I didn't hurt Buck, and it was one less problem that we would need to face in the future.

I leant down to his level and gave him a kiss, "You may be right." Buck pulled me down and captured my lips again.

"I know I am. And I promise you that I will try to never let you down again." He told me before deepening his kiss.

* * *

><p>That was nearing two months ago, and life has been great, well as great as it can be. Buck had taken me to see his brother and meet some of his Kiowa family. I loved learning about this side of him.<p>

Things were slowing down for the Pony express. Buck was hardly ever gone, which was great for me, but not so good on Buck's pocket.

Kid finally asked Dorthia to marry him, to which she told him yes, I was sure he was going to whisk her back to the South, but was delighted to hear that they wanted to stay around family.

I had no idea what or where we would end up but it would be nice if we were all close. Though most weeks I could live without Cody. No that is a lie. I couldn't live without any of them.

Teaspoon wasn't at all pleased that the Army were sniffing around Rock Creek for recruits, in fact the whole war was putting Teaspoon in a foul mood all round.

Where Rachel was walking on the clouds. She was in love.

A man the name of Mike Stalder rode into town and stole her heart. I was happy for her, but the boys still hadn't made up their mind on Mike yet. They seem to go out of their way to test him, and while it was amusing to us all to start off with, Rachel and I wished they would get over themselves.

"Louise honey, you got a letter today." Rachel announced as I walked into the Bunkhouse and settled down to supper. She dug in her apron pocket and pulled the creamy envelope out.

I quickly took it, hoping that if it was from who I thought it might be, that it wouldn't cause trouble between Buck and me.

"Who's it from Lou?" Kid asked me.

"None of your business," I laughed.

I smiled to myself as I rushed to open it. All I wanted to know was if he was safe and happy, then I would be content. I pulled the paper free and started to open it up.

No one questioned me, not even Buck as I prepared to read the note. I knew they were all watching, and I suddenly became aware that Buck might not like me reading it here in front of him.

I looked up at him silently asking if it was alright, but he wasn't watching me he was watching his plate.

I excitedly read the words, until I read further into the letter.

They had all lied to me even Buck.

I kept reading pretending that I was still enjoying the letter with a smile on my face and tears behind my eyes.

Why would they do this? They were all obviously in on it. Did Jimmy lie right from the start?

Where is he?

Answers and possibilities ran wild in my mind.

I folded the letter and I placed it beside me. I started pushing my food around my plate, feeling like vomiting rather than eating, as more questions arose. I felt so betrayed.

In the calmest voice possible I asked no one in particular,

"Where is he?"I finally looked to Teaspoon not wanting to hear a lie come from Buck's mouth.

"Where's who" Teaspoon asked eyeing me carefully.

"JIMMY," I roared, no longer in the mood for any more lies "Where is he?" I asked again.

Teaspoon looked both guilty and relieved. I braved a look around the table to see that everyone else was looking the same, though Rachel looked just as in the dark as I was.

Then it struck me like a lightning bolt.

This time I could not hold back the vomit that threatened to spill. I placed my hand over my mouth and I ran outside.

I knew where he was.

"Lou are you alright?" Buck asked sounding worried.

I stood up not embarrassed at all by what I had just done.

"He's gone for my father hasn't he?"

All at once they all started talking over themselves defending Jimmy's reasons for leaving. But it was Buck I wanted to hear from. He was just standing there with an unreadable expression on his face.

"Did you know?" I asked him, causing the others to shut up immediately.

"No" He said but then his face changed again as another word spilled from his mouth. "Yes."

"Well which one is it, and don't lie to me."

He looked to the others before he answered me. "I was obviously spilled the same line as you, but I figured it was a front a few weeks back."

"And you didn't think to tell me?" I snapped with venom lacing my tone of voice.

"Lou," Kid reprimanded. "It aint Buck's fault he..."

"Stay out of this Kid. Buck is the only one who knows why the thought of Jimmy in that place would upset me. Fuck it has been months, he could be dead."

"You don't know that Lou."

"Really Cody?" I mocked, "Boggs is clever he will know who Jimmy is."

"He can't know that." Kid defended.

"Davies. Davies hasn't been back since he obviously sent those men to get me."

A stupid look passed each of their faces. "Did you all forget about him? He knows Jimmy. Oh god," I cried in frustration. Visions of Jimmy's arms tied to the whipping post flooded my mind. I could not leave him there.

"I'm going to get him." I said before storming off to the barn.

"Lou." Buck called out behind me. I felt his hand reach out and grab my arm.

"Don't you dare. How could you? HOW COULD YOU!"

"Please Lou. I'm sorry I was wrong in not telling you my suspicions."

"I tell you everything Buck, even if it hurts you, I tell you so you're not in the dark. Honesty, remember? You should have told me. You knew how worried I have been about him."

"What if I asked you not to go?" Buck said quietly.

"You wouldn't do that."

"You told me that you would move away with me, if that is what I wanted. It is what I want."

"No you don't. You're scared and I understand that." I told him.

"No Lou it is the fact that you would drop everything and risk yourself for Jimmy."

"I would do it if it was Kid, Ike, Cody or Noah as well, so don't you dare bring that into it."

"Let me and the boys go and get him, please you stay here."

"No."

"Lou,"

"No."

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><p><strong>Told you, a big roller coaster.<strong>


	10. Chapter 10

**I do not own The Young Riders.**

* * *

><p>"No"<p>

"Lou,"

"No"

"I'm begging you to stay Lou. Trust me to do this, trust me to bring Jimmy home." Buck pleaded, but there was no need for it, I did trust him.

"I do trust you Buck," Buck narrowed his eyes at me, "I do. But you have to understand that you have no idea who you're dealing with when it comes to my father."

"Really Lou? Because if I remember rightly you had no idea who you were dealing with when the Cheyenne took you, so don't be throwing that in my face."

"That's different." I snapped back.

"No it's not and the sooner you see that the quicker we can move on." Buck's face softened as he growled out that last sentence. "Lou if you go, you are giving your father what he wants. If you are there it complicates things and puts us all in a bigger risk, please think about this." He told me a lot calmer, but it didn't matter, he didn't know, he didn't get it.

"Jimmy has been there for all this time, do you realise what state he may be in? Or if he is even alive?" I tried not to think of Jimmy on that whipping post. His wrists bound tight as his head...I had to stop thinking that way. But the image kept coming into my head. "How do you think I will ever be able to look at him again?"

"He will be alright Lou. You have to believe he will..."

"And what about you?" I asked, trying to keep my tears from falling.

Buck looked somewhat grateful that I had voiced my concerns for him. "Nothing is going to happen to me."

"You can't promise me that, so don't you dare." It frightened me when I thought about losing him. "Buck please I can't lose you too." I began to cry.

Buck was in front of me in seconds. He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me something fierce. I continued to cry as his mouth roughly attacked mine. His hands were holding my head like a vice. I couldn't pull away even if I wanted too.

I opened my mouth for him, kissing him with just as much vigour. For, we both knew that he would be leaving and there was a great chance that he wouldn't be back.

In mere seconds Buck had both of our clothing thrown to the floor. And although this was the roughest he had ever been with me, in this moment it still didn't seem rough enough.

I needed to feel him on my body. I wanted him to leave his mark.

Buck spun me around so my bare back was pressed hard against his naked front. His hands pushed my long hair away from my neck as his lips kissed, nipped and sucked at the soft skin.

I could feel his hardened man hood against my backside, as one of his big hands rested on my hip. His other hand left my hair and came to rest on my shoulder, with a slight push he had me bending over the sharp prickly hay.

His hand ran down my spine, slowly, before both of his hands ran down the side of my naked form. I tried not to think of my scarred ugliness that he could see on my back, but I didn't have to try to hard as his hands felt so good on my body.

His fingers ghosted over my breasts, my nipples pebbling under his touch.

I whimpered, as I rubbed my thighs together. He was teasing me, where all I wanted was for him to take me.

One hand stayed on my breast, as the other hand came round to play with my hot centre.

With a breathless whimper I begged him, I begged for him to take me. I couldn't wait any longer.

I felt his hand reaching for his manhood, aligning himself with my heat. I bucked my hips impatiently, causing Buck to hiss.

His hands found purchase on my hips, as he held me still.

With a tender harshness, he entered me, I squealed in both surprise and in ecstasy. This was not making love, and although love was behind every thrust and every touch, there was no denying that this was a raw and wanting need.

"I didn't hurt you did I?"

I was lying with my head on his bare chest, playing with the ends of a strand of his silky hair. "You could never hurt me Buck." His fingers were tracing imaginary circles on my back, I could feel my eyes drifting shut, but I quickly opened them.

I did not want to waste a minute of the time I had with Buck, for I did not trust that we would be together again.

Life is cruel. Both Buck and I are witnesses to that. So when he says to trust that he will come back to me, I can't.

I have hope that he will, I will pray that he does, but I will not believe it until it happens.

"If you are not back in a week, I'm coming for you." I whispered softly and quietly, but I knew Buck had heard me.

He pulled my body on top of his. I laid my hands on his chest, and leaned my head in closer to his. "Then I will be back in a week." He said as he pulled my head down and captured my mouth with his.

I started rubbing myself along his already hardened self. He moaned into my mouth as my hand reached between us. This time I bought him to me.

I slid down, slowly, loving every inch of him. I didn't move, not at first I just continued to kiss him, and enjoy the fact of knowing that physically we couldn't be any closer.

Soon though, my body needed to move.

I rose back up, with the palms of my hands back on his chest as I raised and lowered myself up and down his cock.

It was slow and it was meaningful. Our eyes saying what our mouths could not speak.

This was making love.

.

.

.

The morning came around too quick, I wasn't ready to say goodbye, and I wasn't ready to be left behind.

I looked at every face of my family, and shook my head in anguish. I wanted Jimmy back, but I didn't want the rest of my family to get hurt in the process.

"Louise honey, try not to worry." Teaspoon told me, as his hands held the tops of my arms. I looked into Buck's eyes, then back down to Teaspoon's.

"Just bring them all home Teaspoon. Don't leave anyone behind, no matter what." Teaspoon nodded knowing that I meant even if someone was not walking away from this, then they are to be bought home as well.

"Everyone will be coming back Lou." He kissed my cheek and went to mount up with the boys.

"Remember a week." I reminded Buck, as a tear rolled over the same cheek, Teaspoon had just kissed.

Buck nodded before saying, "And not before." I returned his nod, hoping that I would be able to hold up my end of the deal. I know I won't be able to last a week.

"Bye boys," Rachel waved as her arm wrapped around my shoulder. The other boys said their good bye and rode off. Buck stayed for a moment, staring intently into my eyes, before following the boys.

"_I love you,"_ I cried as his silhouette faded into the scenery.

.

.

.

Three days had past and I was walking around like the living dead.

Both Rachel and Danielle tried to keep me busy, but my mind was not in Rock creek, it was with my boys.

It was on that third day that I decided that I had to go after them. I had to follow my heart.

I didn't know if I could save Jimmy but I knew that I could save Buck and the others.

"Rachel I know this is wrong, I know in my heart that they are riding to danger, tell me how do I sit here and just allow them to do that?" I asked as I threw some of my things together.

"You promised that you would give them a week. Please Lou, please don't do anything stupid. I was here when the boys were lost without you, please don't let me see that hurt in their eyes again."

"You weren't witness to the loss I felt when I was being held captive. Three years I was surrounded by people who hated me, treated me like I was worth nothing. Every god damn day I thought of my boys, and everyday it hurt just a bit more that I didn't have them by my side." I cried, hoping she would see that I needed this. "I will not lose them again. I need them, I need them all."

Rachel walked over to the window and stared out to the yard. I knew where she was coming from, and I was sorry that I was going to let her down, but I knew that this was right. I knew that if I was ever to see Jimmy...I mean all of them again I had to do this.

"Rachel, I know my father, they don't. They have a big disadvantage." Rachel turned and looked at me.

"I'm not afraid to beg Lou, but please don't make me." I could see the tears in her eyes as she pleaded with me and it made me hate myself for what it was I was going to do, but they didn't know.

"I can't sit here waiting. Jimmy could already be dead," I had to swallow that heartbreaking reality, before I continued. _"I'm sorry I have to go."_

"Jimmy could still be alive, Lou. You are rushing into this, please Lou you promised Buck that you would wait." I knew Buck would be pissed at first, but I also know he will forgive me.

"I'm done waiting Rachel. I'm going." Rachel gave me a disapproving eye and walked away from me. I will apologise to her if I am wrong but not before.

I packed little, so it didn't slow me down. I knew that I was already too late and couldn't afford to be any later.

"Lou please this is me begging you. Please don't go," I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her tight.

"It's ok Rachel. I promise you that it is ok." Rachel pulled me into a hug and she kissed the top of my head.

I swung open the door, determined about my quest, but stopped short when I took the scene in front of me in.

"I thought I told you a week." Buck's voice reprimanded. I dropped my things and ran into his open arms, crying tears of happiness that he was back. I held onto him for dear life as I kissed his neck and his face.

"Did you miss me too Lou?" Cody asked me, with what I think was a hopeful tone. My lips took a break from kissing Buck, to look up to the other boys. They would never have any idea how much I missed them and how happy I was to have them all back. But as I looked for the one I missed the most, it wasn't there.

"Where is he?" I asked, mentally preparing myself for bad news. I pushed myself out of Buck's arms readying myself for the worst.

"We don't know Lou." Buck told me gathering me up in his arms once again. "He was gone when we got there." Lou could tell by Buck's tone that there was something else.

"Buck?" I questioned pushing myself away again. I didn't want his arms around me at the moment, I wanted answers.

I watched as Buck looked to the other boys as if silently telling them to give us some space. Whatever had happened, it was obviously bad news.

"Just tell me Buck," I somewhat begged. "If something has happened to Jimmy, then I want to know." Buck frowned down at me.

"It's not Jimmy," he told me in what I can only assume was an annoyed tone. "Your father is dead." Buck announced sadly.

Why the emotion while he told me this, I did not know.

"But you're alright, and you boys are all alright," I looked behind Buck once again seeing that the others were in fact ok, "And Jimmy is alright, right?"

Buck nodded his head, confirming that yes they were all alright. "Then I don't care what else happened."

Buck gave me a strange look. "What?" I asked annoyed that he wasn't kissing me, or carrying me off to somewhere more private instead of standing there staring at me.

"I just don't know whether to be sad or happy that you don't care your father is dead." He admitted to me.

"You should be happy, cos' he can't hurt me anymore." Buck gave me a small nod, but I could see he was still not convinced.

"So was it Jimmy?" I asked Buck, but he seemed confused. "Who killed my father," I clarified.

"Apparently he shot your father and just left." He told me, keeping his distance.

"Do you know if he was hurt? I mean my father didn't know who he was did he?" If he had known Jimmy was on my side, I hate to think the pain he inflicted on him.

"I don't know Lou." Buck snapped at me.

"What's gotten into you?" I asked taken back by the tone in his voice.

"Nothing," Buck dismissed. I was becoming annoyed that Buck wasn't giving me anything. It feels like he is trying his darnedest to be difficult.

"Did you find someone who told you Jimmy killed my Father?" I pressed.

"Yes,"

"Then surely they know something else, I mean what direction Jimmy rode of in, when he left, when..."

"Lou just stop." Buck hushed quietly but coldly. "Just stop. Jimmy will come home when he is good and ready."

"Buck I..." I started but Buck shook his head as he turned to walk away.

"Lou I'm tired, I will see you later on." I stood there not sure of what just happened.

"Buck, don't be like this. You can't just walk off making me feel like I have done something wrong." I said as I walked after him.

"It was me that was in the wrong." He told me as he continued to walk.

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"Nothing, forget I said it."

"No, I won't forget it. Tell me what you did that was so wrong." I pleaded. He was still giving me nothing.

I reached out and pulled on his hand, making him stop. "Please Buck I don't understand what the hell has just happened."

"You. Jimmy. It is always going to be like this. I was a fool to think that you could just fall out of love with him, and yet I believed it could happen. I was wrong to take you like I did, and I was wrong to believe that you loved me back." He ranted.

"I do love you Buck."

"It's not enough Lou. I need you to love me with your whole heart. I deserve that." Buck looked away from me and towards town, while I looked behind him and into the eyes of our family. "Until you can do that, then I don't think that we can be together again." His voice said, sounding detached from this conversation and detached from me.

I wiped the tears from my face as I tried to find the words to say.

I did love him, and I did want to be with him, but he wasn't wrong that I wanted that with Jimmy as well.

But this wasn't fare.

I had told him of my split heart when we decided to give us a go. He knew how I felt, and I had not once tried to hide that.

"You are a coward Buck Cross." I told him, taking my eyes off of Teaspoon.

"How do you figure that?" He asked.

"Because you know how I feel about Jimmy. You know and yet you still wanted me, you wanted us. Now that there is a possibility of Jimmy returning, you're scared."

Buck rounded on me so fast. It took me and the other boys by surprise.

Grabbing the tops of my arms he looked at me with fire in his eyes. "Your damn right I'm scared. I put my heart in your hand, trusting that you would care for it, love it, like I love you. But knowing that Jimmy's heart is in your other hand..." Buck looked away from me, but only for a second. "Scares me to death."

I let out a sob as I took in his pain. It was written all over his face, and hidden in every word he spoke.

I hadn't noticed when, but Ike and Teaspoon had come to stand next to Buck. "Can you stand there and tell me that I have nothing to fear? That when Jimmy returns, and we both know he will, that I will not see a longing in your eyes every time they look to him?" Buck asked, as tears now fell from his eyes. "Can you promise me those things?"

I went to utter my yes, but I shook my head 'no' as I cried out loud. I couldn't promise him anything.

Buck's hands fell from my arms immediately as he stumbled away from me. I looked to Ike, seeing that he was looking at me different. I didn't know what to say. "I..." I begun, but Ike didn't wait to hear anything I had to say. He ran after his friend, while I fell into the arms of Teaspoon.

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><p><strong>Thank you to both Kristina and Jenna for reading through this for me.<strong>


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